Pick Me! Pick Me!
by Avora SaDiablo
Summary: Don't read this. This is old, terrible, full of bad cliches and horrible teenage writing habits. It will not be revamped, it will not be continued, and is only here to serve to remind me where I've come from.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**

Ssdiablo - Ladies and Gents, this is a…ermm…

Sarah-vs-psycheotic - … a production by…

Ss – us…yeah…wez owns nothingz, wez wants _somethingz_, (Review, hint hint,)

SvP – money would be good too, but we shouldn't give ya our addresses for security… lol

Ss – wez both fanfic writers, both friends…good friends yes, little nutso…ourz penznames up therez…in the stars…Wez both writes this…enjoyz!

SvP – Yeah caz, what ever… enjoy and _review,_ or discover the meaning of freaky arse weirdness…

**House Elf Harassment**

A man sat shackled to a stone chair in the centre of an arena, levels rising up to the ceiling and on them sat all the witches and wizards of the wizarding grand council, the Wizengamot. Amongst them were reporters scratching away at their notes and sketches with a puff of smoke from _Prophet_ cameras. The 'Phoenixes' sat in anticipation for the final ruling of the man's case. Hermione clutched Harry's and Ron's hand in each of her own. Her nails dug into their palms but they didn't notice; they were just as nervous as her. They eldest member of the Wizengamot rose to his feet, the entire room falling into a dead silence. Nobody even breathed (much).

"After much deliberation and the reviewing of much evidence, we find the defendant, Sirius J. Black, for the murders of Lily and James Potter, not guilty, for involvement and treason…" There was a painfully long pause, where Hermione's nails drew blood from Harry and Ron's palms. "…not guilty."

The arena erupted into cheers as the shackles released Sirius. Harry leapt over the barriers to Sirius, closely followed by Ron and Hermione, to embrace him. Sirius had tears streaming from his eyes in relief.

"It was also the decision of the Wizengamot," continued the old man, everyone watching him for his final word, still smiling brightly, "that Sirius Black be reinstated as Harry James Potter's legal guardian until the age of seventeen. Sirius Black will receive the Order of Merlin First Class for his suffering of the truth none believed. You are free to go."

* * *

At Grimmauld Place the Weasley family, after making all the preparations, were left in a slightly dormant state. Molly paced the room frantically as the twins and Ginny played exploding snap.

"SNAP!" Ginny declared, her wand pointing at the twins threateningly. "Mine."

"Would you three cut it out!" Coming from a rather hysterical Molly.

Charlie looked up from his book on dragons. "Mum! Find a way to entertain yourself, _please_? Bill and Fleur seem to be managing quite well from the sounds of things." As the ceiling thumped, dust falling on them.

Ginny shuddered at the thought of what they were doing.

"How can you relax at a time like this?"

"Mum, we aren't doing this to relax, we're doing it because of Bill and Fl-"

"-_Em_," Ginny finished under her breath. "Can't you make them go down to the basement or something?" She complained. The boys all laughed and suddenly had coughing fits at the look they received from their mother.

"Enough! It's not as though _I'm_ happy about it," she said glaring at the ceiling.

"Wow? Where did all this dust come from?" asked a voice at the door and Molly nearly leapt out of her skin.

"Sirius!" he gave her a hug and Ginny started doing a sort of Bum dance as the twins cheered with a 'whoop whoop!"

"Oh yeah, woohoo, oh yeah," Cheered Ginny as Harry and Ron helped carry Sirius's stuff in.

Charlie, for one however, was slightly shocked and terrified at the speed in which Fleur and Bill arrived from their landing, clothed…mostly…Ron walked into a clothes stand…Hermione tutted at Fleur wearing bills over sized t-shirt as she hugged Sirius (Who was taller than her,) exposing silky blue boxers.

"Go get dressed would you? You're ruining the scene!" Ginny grumbled pushing Bills back. The pair of them laughed as he chased Fleur up the stairs. Ron crashed into the barrister.

"Get a grip Ron! She's a _girl_, they come fully loaded with tits and an arse," Fred teased, as George looked at Hermione,

"Well, most do," He added grinning evilly; Hermione looked scandalised, but couldn't think of a safe comeback, sufficing to kick him in the backside.

"Right, I've been in prison, for say…two years? Where's the Brandy?"

It was at that moment when Sirius spotted _him_, creeping across the hall. "Stop right there!" He ordered and Kreature froze as though under a giant spotlight, turning his huge eyes to Sirius, chuckling in an innocently nervous way.

"Ye-yes…master?" he stammered fearfully.

"Is there anything you'd like to say?" Sirius asked pleasantly, and Kreature looked around for a glimmer of help from one of the witches and wizards all staring down at him.

"Hehe…ah…welcome back? Good Kreature clean and make nice dinner?"

"Really? Anything else?"

"Ah…did master not like our little joke, hehehe…he?"

"Little joke? My, Kreature, what joke would that be?"

Kreature was truly looking panicked.

"Are you referring to the 'joke' that nearly got Harry killed, or the 'joke' that you played in finding a loop hole in my orders?" Sirius twirled his wand in his fingertips. Tonks held hands with Lupin, both staring mercilessly down at the pathetic Kreature. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you now?"

He looked to Hermione; she'd always been kind, but now her eyes were so narrowed that she could have fried him where he stood. All the red headed children stared him down. To Kreature, it seemed all hope was lost, when something happened.

"Wait," Everyone, including Kreature, turned to the person who'd spoken in surprise. Harry came down the stairs, the last person any of them would have thought to show even an ounce of mercy. "Don't punish him."

"Harry, this is quite beyond punishment," Hermione pointed out. "He tried to kill us all."

"I know, but that's good."

"Which part of being buried were you anticipating? The open casket or the mourning?" George scorned. "Even Hermione agrees – the Spew leader."

"I know, just hear him out, I'm certain that he could be useful."

"What does you mean?" Kreature asked curiously, still not allowing them to meet eye to eye.

"Wizards debt, Kreature, have you heard of it?" Harry asked standing next to Sirius. Kreature nodded. Harry took Sirius's wand out of his hands. "Do you know what I've just done?" Kreature nodded nervously. "Do you know who I am?"

"Harry Potter?"

"Harry Potter-_Black_, The Wizengamot instated Sirius as my _legal_ guardian." Kreature gulped. "And you know what that means." Kreature nodded.

"Harry, you've made this mistake once before, remember? Don't make it again," Lupin warned. "He may not be a wizard, but he has proven he can be as deadly." Harry ignored him.

"Kreature, tell us everything you know about the Lestrange's and the Malfoy's."

Kreature stared at him, "B-but they said nothing may be told-"

"Wizards debt, you owe me your life until I deem that the debt is repaid, and they aren't your masters. Start thinking," Harry ordered. "You have until Professor Dumbledore gets back in which to decide. If you don't, Sirius can kill you, and I have no reason to stop him." Harry point at the door. "You are not permitted to leave the premises, nor talk to anyone about it who isn't present in this room. Understood?"

Kreature nodded, and slumped off to his cupboard.

"One more thing, Kreature." He stopped to look at Harry. "No telling _anyone_ about what you see, hear, or notice about people in the Order to anyone out side of the order."

Kreature bowed and dragged his feet into the kitchen.

"Interesting idea, Harry," Sirius said scratching his chin. "Do you think it will work?"

"If it doesn't, I have another idea."

"What's that?"

"We burn your mother's portrait." Harry jerked his head at the curtains knowing Kreature was undoubtedly listening.

"We can't, it's protected by magic," Molly said, surprised that Harry had forgotten.

"Ah, but is it protected against Muggle items? This is a pure blood come wizard house. What Muggle items would they need to protect it against?" Hermione suddenly understood and clapped her hands,

"Well done, why didn't I think of that? Do you think _Uncle John's_ would work?"

"I know so. Sirius, welcome back to being an innocent man," Harry smiled, leading him to the curtains where he pulled them back, revealing his mother's portrait, mouth stitched and stick tapped as she struggled to scream abuse at them. Sirius stared in amazement, as did the others. "One hundred percent vulnerable to anything Muggle. Used synthetic thread, medical tape, and _Uncle John's_." Harry lifted the portrait from the wall easily.

"I was wondering what you were always smelling of citruses for," Hermione commented examining the wall behind.

"Can we burn her now?" Sirius asked excitedly and Kreature came bursting in, tears streaming down his eyes as he grabbed hold of Harry's leg as though for dear life.

"_No,_" he wailed. "_No!_ Good Kreature do anything youse say!" he pleaded as Harry tried to shake him off. "Please!"

"Kreature, let go. We will consider a bargain, do you have any offers?" His plan was finally falling into action.

"Kreature will, will clean whole house, no dust, no speck, clean as a whistle."

"We can do that our selves, no, it'll have to be something better than that," The Weasleys were all looking very suspiciously. It was no secret that they were all not only sick of Mrs. Black, but also having to clean and sort from the years of disrepair. "Besides, as a house elf, that's your job, remember? There's little use in a house elf that doesn't do it's job, Sirius may as well kill you then,"

"But what else can Kreature do? Kreature knows nobody or nothing…" and idea brimmed on his enormous eyes. He tugged on Harry's shirt to whisper in his ear. "Kre, Kreature could do job, very _dangerous_ job, yes we coulds, but no one must know, not even…other master…no, no other master not know," It didn't matter that he was whispering, everyone could hear him. "Kreature knows wizards, knows Malfoys, know plans. Wez coulds go digging, digging deep in their places – no one ever know! I tell you stuff that wez finds, and bring things back…good for Order, no?"

Finally, everyone there knew what Harry was doing as he pretended to think about the bargain,

"Theyz trust poor little Kreature, and Kreature knows things more than other spys. Wez _know_ other spy's, spy's not spys!"

That made no sense to Harry. "Like double crossers?"

"Shhh!" Kreature looked panicked glaring at the others. "Shh! Yes, crosses two ways,"

"And you'll do that for the portrait?"

"And, for nice new blanket from Mudblood, other one has holes, nasty holes, very nasty…caught on pipes…"

"I think that _Hermione_ can make you another blanket, but don't ever let me hear that you've called someone I know a _Mudblood, _or Mrs. Black's portait won't be the only thing on the fire." Harry promised.

"Yes yes, not Mudblood, wez _never _says _Mudblood_, nonono! Yes, nice Master's Miss make blanket?"

Hermione was taken aback to be referred to as 'Master's Miss', but let it slide none the less. She nodded to Harry and Kreature clapped his hands.

"Master make deal then?"

"Master makes a deal. Sirius, hand over the portrait," But Harry had to pry it from his fingers none the less.

"Pink blanket!" Kreature declared. "Pink nice warm soft colour, green feel's slimy, slimy not nice, nasty like holes, mean holes," and he began muttering away about the holes.

After being sent upstairs to clean, trusting their privacy in distance and by putting a spell on the room, they discussed Kreature's agreement, and filled the love birds in on what had gone on whilst they'd been getting dressed on what was missed.

"Harry, I was really looking forward to burning that!" Sirius complained, "and where's the little snipe going to put it?"

"His new room. I stopped in at a furniture shop a few weeks back, they had a side board which was three times bigger inside than what it looks like on the outside. I'm having one custom made so he can live in it instead of under the sink,"

"Why?"

"Cause it's fitted with a lock and is sound proof. It has little selves and such so he can keep his little things, new bed and so forth. He likes 'things' this way we can monitor him better, we have something over his head, and he's less likely to feel like a slave and do as we tell him out of respect. Think of it as dog training – rewards for the right things. By the end of the month, we won't have to try and get rid of your mothers portrait 'cause he'll do it for us," he explained. He had been working on a way to get back at Kreature since the start of the holidays, and what better time to put it into action than now?

"Harry, I don't know about this. He seemed very agreeing…"

"Hermione, if you were told that you would fail your NEWTs if you didn't…I dunno…stop studying, you would." Ron argued.

"No I wouldn't, that would be a complete waste of time in doing the NEWTs in the first place," she replied and Ron slumped in irritation. "I'm not saying not to be nice to him, but these are dangerous waters you're treading, using him as a spy? We already saw that he's capable of possessing others," She said looking intently at Harry.

"Are you willing to take that risk?" Lupin asked, "To give Voldemort such an opportunity to look inside the Order, and to give him the prospect of killing you?"

"I don't think you-know-who would possess a house elf to keep an eye on him," Ron argued, "He'd have to know everything that Kreature would normally do to stop us from being suspicious, and he'd have to know where the order is, which I'm pretty certain he doesn't,"

"But Harry won't be staying _here_, he'll be at _Hogwarts_, every witch and wizard knows where Hogsmaed is, and the entrance to the castle isn't exactly hidden." Fleur reminded him. "I think Harry should elect a reprisentative, Professor Dumbledore maybe?"

"And get him killed? I think not," and the debate started, continuing for much of the night. It wasn't until Mad-Eye came clunking in that they all looked at him in a new light and declared him to be the one Kreature was to report to, with out giving him any details for what he'd been nominated for. Kreature was given two passwords that Moody was secret keeper for, and trusting their security in his magical eye.

* * *

Hermione sat on her bed reading a new text book and practicing some wordless spells as she thought about what Kreature had said. Using her wand, she had bewitched a needle and thread to make a start on the quilt in the 'requested' colours – pink and purple with gold lining, which was to seal the bargain with Harry and Kreature.

There was a small knock on the door.

"Come in?"

Kreature entered cautiously, "Ah…Master's Miss ready for dinner?"

"Kreature, why do you call me 'Master's Miss?" she asked curiously.

"Is youse not?"

"No, I'm not, I'm a friend," she replied wondering where he got the notion from in the first place.

"Master no miss?" Hermione shook her head in reply. "Miss is brave for friends when miss not masters…" he muttered in thought. "Other witch master's miss?"

"No, Ginny's not Master's miss. Harry doesn't have a 'miss'." She tried to explain, but the notion seemed too complex for him.

"No miss master? Master no miss? You be master's miss, you nice for master's miss," he proclaimed. "Master's miss you!"

"But-"

"Master's miss not late for dinner!" and he left, leaving Hermione quite stumped and a little irritated.

"Right…" she said allowed, smacking her lips together. A house elf who hated most people here was playing matchmaker?

She arrived in the kitchen a little later than everyone else and saw she wasn't the only person's head he'd been playing with. Sirius was seated at one end of the table, Harry at the other, then had been arranged so couples were together, and singles in the middle. She was about to ask what was going on when two small hands pushed behind her knees – hitting a ticklish nerve, and nearly causing her knees to buckle.

"Ow!"

"Master's miss sit here," Kreature said pushing her to sit next to Harry on his right, facing Ginny who was looking over at Dean, her current boyfriend, in the centre who'd been allowed to stay over the summer with Seamus and his Mother. All in all, it was starting to look more like the house was a huge hotel, but there never seemed to be a shortage of rooms or space…

She nervously took a seat, feeling everyone's eyes on her, feeling very self-conscious.

"All eat!" Kreature declared, and the covers over the food vanished. Evidently, it had been a long time since Kreature had prepared a meal. Everyone had limp green salad – as though he'd steamed the lettuces like spinach, half burnt volauvents (with out any stuffing) something that looked like nachos and a side of what looked and smelt like gruel.

"Didn't he say 'nice dinner', not nice mess?" Fred asked using his wand to prod at the once crisp iceberg (his was whole)

"Erm…Kreature? What exactly _is_ this?"

"Good Kreature make everyone Mexican dinner! You get spinach and salsa, and cheese, and-"

"Kreature, this is not Mexican. These are volauvents, which are Italian and you stuff them. This is not spinach, it's lettuce, and this…Merlin knows what this was…did you bake the 'cheese' and the 'salsa' together at the same time?" Mrs. Finnigan asked, stabbing the nacho like brick with a steak knife – which even then hardly scratched it.

"Make it nice and hot, and save time, and then there's sour cream!" he said, looking very proud.

"Oh, Mrs. Weasley, I just remembered, my mother invited all of us to dinner in France!" Fleur suddenly piped out of fear of having to eat it.

"That's okay, you bring family here! Plenty more!" Kreature piped. "Easy to move three people, not so for twenty," he reasoned. Fleur looked as though the Veela in her was about to burst free in boil the little snipe where he stood.

"We are going to my mothers, that is final." She stood, pinching Bill on the shoulder to get him up.

"Ow! Okay okay, I'm up,"

"I have an idea," Hermione interrupted. "Dobby! Harry's life's in danger!"

Dobby appeared right on cue. "But my life isn't in danger?"

"It will be if Kreature upset's Fleur anymore. She might only be part Veela, but she still has a lot of their powers." Hermione replied. "Dobby, can you clean up this mess, and then teach Kreature how to cook?"

"Yes, anythings you ask!" Dobby said happily, and the food Kreature had made vanished. "Kreature, you is bad cook, very bad," he started scolding. "Youse cook like _this_," Dobby snapped his fingers again three times in succession, and the meal reappeared, just as wonderful as what was served up at the castle. Fleur sat again, slightly indignant but ate with every one just the same. "I don't knows what youse been doing, but youse very rusty. We Helps you!" Dobby said excitedly and Kreature clapped him at the back of the head.

"_Kreature!_" Sirius and Harry scolded.

"Dobby, are you alright?" Hermione asked crouching down next to the house elf. "Let me look at it,"

"Woaw…me's no feels so good…grrh…duckies…?" and he keeled over backward with a drunken expression.

"Young hooligan, upstart…" Kreature muttered slumping off to his cupboard and slamming the door.

"Oh dear," Ginny sighed.

"Kreature, come out here, now," Sirius demanded, and the old house elf slumped out. "What did you do to Dobby?"

"I hits him sir," he replied shamelessly. "And I'ds do it again."

"I am ordering you to receive lessons from Dobby, to respect him, to do as you're told by him, to listen, learn and _practice what he has taught you_. Any questions?"

"Will master's give poor Kreature clothes?" he asked hopefully.

"No, we will simply kill you," Sirius replied carelessly. "I'm telling you Kreature, learn how to take criticism, 'cause you've done very little, so like it or lump it, it's time you learn."

"Why shoulds we?" he pouted.

"Because other wise you won't get your house – your own room where you can put _your _things," Harry enticed. "If you be good, and do as we mean and say, we will let you have and _keep_ your house. It's coming next week." Harry waited for a response as Kreature thought about it. He then picked up Dobby (by the collar) and slapped his face.

"Wake ups! Wez gots work to doz!" he shouted and Dobby snapped awake.

"See, Harry Potter is great!" squealed Dobby and they raced out of the room.

The sideboard was picked up in the middle of the night, and Harry crawled in to examine it.

"Not bad – bit like a one man shack for me but Kreature should like it. Pass me a tea light – there's a holder in here…" they finished setting it up as a group, each taking turns to inspect and make changes to the new 'house'. Hermione magically painted the inside to make it feel more open a spacious – and to match the blanket to which she'd started making matching pillows for as a future reward. They placed the pictures of his in respectfully, though distastefully, and managed to get the portrait shrunken so it could fit. Molly had embroidered some curtains so Kreature could have some privacy, and Ginny had made a cute little pull out bed that Kreature could use as a couch or could let Dobby stay over in as the pair had grown quite fond of each other since Kreature had discovered 'rewards' for doing so. Earlier, they'd asked Dobby to distract Kreature long enough that they could set it up to surprise him.

"Kreature shall never know!" he saluted enthusiastically, and had taken him to practice at Hogwarts. It was mid-morning when the pair arrived back, Dobby had tied a cloth around Kreature's eyes and was leading him into the study where they had agreed was out of the way but still 'involved'. Everyone waited as Dobby kept checking Kreature wasn't peaking.

"Wez wants to see!"

"Youse see soon!" Dobby replied, "Stop peaking!"

"But we wants to see!" Kreature was positively ecstatic – a completely new house elf.

"Come on Dobby, now you're just teasing, let him see." Hermione laughed at how silly the pair looked and sounded.

Kreature pulled back the blindfold and gaped at the sideboard, his mouth barely inches from the ground. And that was all he did, just staring wide-eyed and mouth gaping at the pine sideboard.

"Don't think he likes it, he hasn't said anything about it," George teased.

"Kreature, what do you think about it?" Ron asked and Kreature still said nothing.

"Maybe he's had a heart attack?" Sirius asked looking at Harry. Kreature dived at the door, and squealed as he started jumping on his new bed like a two year old. "I think he likes it," he commented as Kreature came running out to drag Dobby in to see and they shut the door behind them. The group dropped to their knees to look in, and they saw Kreature snuggling at the new blanket that he'd waited so long for, and Dobby paying with the curtains.

"Looks! The windows opens! Hellos!" he said showing Kreature.

"Woaws, youse so luckies! And youse gots a kettle!"

Kreature came out and hugged everyone in turn – even Sirius.

"Kreature keep it?" he asked hopefully looking up at them all.

"Kreature, will get more if Kreature is good. Hermione's made you some more things, new pillows," Sirius said and Kreature looked as though he'd faint in happiness.

"Kreature make _big_ dinner tonight! Big banquet!"

Everyone looked at each other cautiously. None of them had seen anything Kreature had made since the first meal, and none of them were too eager to visit _that_ again. Dobby had him practicing at Hogwarts by cooking for the house elves, who were all very supportive, and would tell him how good it was. The last report Harry had received was from and old one named Fique, who said he was far off the mark.

"Hey Dobby," Seamus asked into the house, "is it safe? Fique didn't sound too happy,"

"Fique worked with Kings! He smelly old pot – knows nothing about whats peoplez eats today. Kreature getting good – always better," Dobby replied putting an arm around Kreature's shoulders. "Isint it rights?"

Kreature nodded sincerely. "Much goods, much betters. Me makes dinner?"

Sirius and Harry gave each other the same look. "Alright, we'll trust you and Dobby,"

Kreature let out a loud 'whoopee!' and raced back into the house.

"Harry, I'm not ashamed to admit you were right on the money," Lupin said as they began Harry's Occlumency lesson. "You've really turned him around,"

"Eh, you're just jealous you didn't think of it," Harry joked.

"Cut it out James," Lupin said unconsciously, and then realised what he'd said, but Harry didn't mind. On the contrary, he seemed quite amused. "You have no idea how often your father and Sirius would say that to me, and how often Lily would say that to him once they started going out,"

"You know, I don't miss them so much any more. I mean, it just feels like their here," Harry thought aloud. Lupin put an arm around his shoulder.

"I know exactly what you mean."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hermione, Where For Art Thou?**

"Please Hermione?"

"No! You've had all the holidays to get it finished; it's your own fault,"

"But we were all distracted what with Sirius!"

"Ron, that was three _weeks_ ago! I'm not dragging you out of trouble again."

"Well you can't say that what was going on after Sirius got back wasn't a distraction, Master's miss,"

"Oh cut that out," Hermione continued to make her way down the stairs nearly bowling Sirius over. "Sorry,"

"Hey, you two, what's all the hubbub about?" he asked grabbing the back of her collar before she got too far.

"Hermione won't let me copy her potion's essay," Ron blabbed catching up.

"It's your own fault, maybe if you hadn't spent so much time fawning over Fleur and picked up your quill you might have had it finished," she scowled at him.

"Sirius, you tell her," Ron retorted under the assumption he'd take his side. Hermione looked scandalised.

"_No self respecting adult who gave a damn about your education would force me to give you_ the answers and to copy _my essay_! Harry's done his, Ginny and everyone else have – how do you ever expect to pass?"

"She's right Ron," Sirius said and Ron looked mortified.

"But you and James and Lupin-"

"Always did our own work a head of time which left time for mucking around during class. Despite what our reputations have led you to believe, we were just lucky to be smart, and good at covering up our 'nerdyness'. You've got a day to finish your essay. Hermione will lend you _some_ of her notes, and you are not going to ask for anyone else's essay. Understood? Don't make me drag your mum into this." Truth be told, Sirius wouldn't have told Molly about this – He'd sooner go back to Azkaban. It had been a wonder of his why Voldemort hadn't tried to persuade her to his side; maybe he was scared of her too…

"Hermione, I was actually looking for you. Ron, you'd better get started on that essay – even if it is for Snape," he added before Ron could say anything and the teenager stormed up the stairs. "What have you covered so far in Defence against the Dark arts?"

"To be honest, absolutely nothing. It was all theory."

"So where would you say everyone's up to, what would you expect of them?"

"Sirius, what are you up to?" Hermione asked suspiciously, his eye's glinting.

* * *

Hermione knocked on Kreature's door and he opened with a tea cosy on his head and an apron over his new pillow case.

"Ah! Master's Miss, come in!" the words 'come in' were in actual meaning, feel free to lie on the floor and stick your head in the door, as none of them could obviously fit in. Hermione had since given up trying to stop him calling her Master's miss; he didn't believe it respectful to call her anything else. In the past fortnight, he'd been given rewards once a week, with little things for specific tasks. His bed was nicely made, with the new matching pillows which he'd made obvious that he was in love with. He'd gained a set of draws to put his new 'covers' in, and had put a little pot plant in the window, who he'd named Tyryn.

"Woulds you like some tea?"

"No thank you, I'm fine. How are you doing?"

"Nicely miss, nicely," He replied slightly distractedly.

"Kreature, you know that we all have to go back to Hogwarts tomorrow, don't you?" she asked cautiously. His head more shuddered than nodded.

"Dobbys tolds us," he pouted slightly. "Masters won't talks abouts it,"

"I know. I spoke to Harry and Sirius earlier. Is there anything you want to ask?" she asked placing a hand on his back. He was upset about them going; there was no doubt about it. In three weeks he'd gone from plotting their deaths to doing anything they'd asked. Harry's plan had worked wonders.

Kreature shook his head and Hermione looked around the room, her gaze falling on the shelves. There was something different…

"Where're the pictures of Regalas and Bellatrix?"

"Wez threw thems away. Mez was very wrongs about thems." He sighed and slumped on his stool. "Mez just don't thinks things is the same without masters,"

"Of course they aren't, but everyone will come back, you know that,"

He chuckled. "Youse kind, all kind. Mez would like some help in gift for masters,"

"What would you like me to do?"

"Couldz you helps us makes picture grow?" he pointed at the frame with a cloth over. "Masters wanted to burn it, I thinks he should." He carried the shrunken picture out.

"Of course I'll help you,"

"Master?" Kreature looked up at Hermione who nodded for him to knock. "Master?" Kreature pushed the door open slightly.

"Yes?"

"Good Kreature has gift, young Master's Miss helps us," he said walking in as Hermione followed with the picture. "To say thanks you for kindness, youse alls been very kinds to us even though us not too kind, heres youse are." Hermione flipped the picture so Sirius could see.

"It makes good firewood I hear," Hermione smiled and Sirius took the painting happily.

"Kreature, are you certain, I mean, you know I'll burn it," he asked cautiously.

"All wez ask is wez be theres whens you dos," Kreature replied sheepishly, uncertain if he was showing respect or disrespect to the Blacks.

"Thank you Kreature."

Hermione was very tempted to awe at them as Sirius gave him a hug, very touching, she thought to herself.

"Ahem," she cleared her throat. "Sorry to interrupt, but I have everything you asked for." She handed him the wad of paper. "I hope you find it useful,"

"You know, it's a crying shame you didn't go to Hogwarts in my day," he joked as he riffled through the papers.

"Ha-ha," she exaggerated. "It's hard enough dealing with Ron and Harry at times, let alone the Marauders…and they still seem to crop up," she snorted. "Although, learning to become an animagus would have been wonderful," she added thoughtfully. "Wonder what I would be…"

"Judging by your personality, a fox," Sirius replied, "or a mouse."

"And Ron a sloth?" she chortled.

"Definitely. Harry…"

"A kitten that thinks it's a tiger?"

"Well yeah, but maybe an eagle, or because of his connection with Voldemort a snake or Runespoor…only time will tell. If he chooses to look into animagi, then we'll know,"

"Well, I'm going back down to finish my letter, hope those are useful," she left the room followed by Kreature.

* * *

Hermione tapped her fingers as she thought of what else to write. She re-read Victor's letter again for what must have been the thousandth time that she didn't need to read, because she already knew word for word what it said. She was avoiding the main question presented, and even everything in the order did little for her but to remind her of it. She was down to her last day to make the decision. He asked her to come with him to a Quidditch award event as his partner, and all everyone in the order had been talking about the event – how amazing it would be to go, how impossible it was to get tickets, not knowing that _she_ had a ticket tucked away in a draw. She hadn't told anyone, and she wasn't certain why, but she knew that if she went, with Victor being in the favourites and the spotlight, her face would be splashed across the gossip columns. Definitely an experience she was trying to avoid ever happening again after their fourth year during the Tri-wizarding cup.

She bit her lip. He was so kind to her all the time, always putting her first, followed closely by Quidditch, and she didn't want to seem selfish…She put down her quill. She'd have to talk to someone. Harry, Ron and the rest of the students she ruled out.

"Charlie, would you be able to help me with something?" He looked up from his book.

"Sure, what your qualm?" He asked, shifting his legs so she could sit. He was surprised he'd asked him, and she looked quite distressed.

"This," she handed him a certificate, and a quick scan told him what it was she was worried about.

"I see…" He said wishing he had a ticket. Of course, he could bang her over the head and run away with it, but Victor might get suspicious when his partner turned into a twenty three year old man. "Well, it's a rare opportunity…" _Take it you idiot!_ Was screaming in his head. No, look at it from her perspective…not working…

"I know, it's just…it's in the middle of school term, and I don't want to dig up old files," She explained referring to the Tri-Wizarding cup. "But I don't want to seem selfish, and I haven't seen him in ages," She added.

"Well, nothing I say can really make a difference, it's something you need to decide for yourself, all I'm going to say is take it and run, but that's me,"

"Yeah, I know…thank you anyway. Oh, can you not tell anyone else about this?"

"Of course I won't. Let me know what you decide."

Hermione picked up the quill again, taking a deep breath, knowing she was desperately going to regret her decision.

* * *

Ron 'crashed' moodily on to the compartment seat. "I'm gonna kill him, I swear one day he is _so_ _dead_!" Hermione and Harry looked at him before resuming their conversation.

"So anyway, that's what I wrote,"

"That bastard!" Ron continued to rant, not noticing the fact no one was listening. "Showing off like he's the greatest thing, just because he's going to the Gala Quidditch awards!"

Hermione snapped to look at Ron.

"Whose going?"

"_Malfoy!_"

"_What?_" Hermione nearly screamed. "How did he get tickets – it's invitation only, he shouldn't have been invited – his fathers in Azkaban!" she was hysterical. That was all she needed.

"Hermione, are you alright? So what if he's going? He probably has a cousin who plays or something, what's it to us?" Harry asked looking at her queerly. This wasn't normal Hermione behaviour…

Hermione composed herself. "Well, he wouldn't be allowed to go anyway, it's during the middle of term," she shrugged as though nothing had happened.

"But imagine if we could go?" Ron said dreamily, "I'd need new dress robes of course…"

"Krum asked me if I wanted a ticket," Harry said taking Ron surprise. "Turned it down. I can already see Rita having a field day over it," he shrugged. "Always next year or something. Anyway, the order wouldn't have let me go anyway, too many open opportunities to 'nab me',"

"Mate! Why didn't you just give me the ticket?" Ron groaned.

"Because that would be 'fraternizing with the enemy'?" Hermione scoffed. "Every time you hear that I'm going to visit Victor or are writing to him you chuck a spaz," Hermione gave him a look.

"I was asking Harry,"

"She's right Ron, besides, Krum doesn't know you really and that would be sort of weird." Harry rummaged in his bag.

"You still could have told us," Ron folded his arms huffily.

"Oh grow up, your just pissed off at us because we didn't let you copy our work," Hermione scowled.

She was thankful for Harry's distraction, wondering if he knew she'd been invited to the GQA. He had to, if he and Victor were talking, he must have mentioned it. She was also surprised that Ron hadn't guessed that Victor had invited her, either way, she didn't want to suffer another Ron attack.

"Hey, Mione, do you know who the new teacher is?" Harry asked to break up the awkward silence.

"Yes, but I'm not telling you," Hermione replied, her eye's glinting.

"Now that's just cruel," Ron muttered. "Can you give us any clues? Do we know him?"

"What makes you think it's a male? Could be a woman, some ugly old hag who you find yourself having erotic dreams about," Hermione teased and Harry laughed at Ron's expression. "Or it could be some sexy young Veela who goes out with Malfoy, ignoring your unrequited love."

"Hermione, that's just wrong," Ron said distastefully.

"Do we know them?" Harry asked still laughing slightly.

"I should think so," she chortled.

"Are they any good?"

"Ask no questions; get no weird, cryptic and random answers." She smiled pulling out a deck of cards. "Exploding snap?"

"It's Lupin again isn't it?" Ron asked as they made their way up the stairs.

"For the last time you'll see in less than ten minutes," Hermione grumbled. The whole way, he'd been trying to trick her into telling, and still thus far been unsuccessful.

"Tonks – no…she's a walking danger zone…"

"Oh for the love of Merlin, _shut up!_ I'm not going to tell you and that is final!" Hermione snapped.

"Anyone in the Order would have told us if it was them…" Ron mused and Hermione groaned.

"Alright! It's Fleur!" Hermione gave in, and Ron made a 'whoopee!'.

"Man, Ginny's going to be so pissed when she finds out," He laughed.

The double doors opened and everyone filed in, taking seats at their usual tables, so on and forth, Ron craning his neck to see if he could see Fleur.

"Damn, she must be talking to Hagrid, I can't see past him," he grumped as they took their seats.

"Stop moaning, she's not going to be interested in you, she's marrying Bill in winter," Ginny grumped. Ron had wasted no time in telling her Fleur was going to be teaching them. Everyone came in, some suffering the effects of Peeves on the way in, but mostly in one piece. Draco had conveniently seated himself as close as possible to Harry Ron and Hermione on his own table, taking the advantage to gloat about the ticket.

"Oh my God!" some one said in a loud voice, "It's Sirius Black!"

Ron looked dumbfounded as Hagrid and Sirius both took their seats. "But you said – Fleur?" Ginny laughed thinking he was about to cry.

"I made it up you goat," Hermione laughed as Harry waved. None of them had ever seen Snape look so furious at a new Professor. "If you'd paid any attention to anything she'd ever said, you'd know she's in Egypt with Bill for the next three months,"

"Oh, yeah…I knew that…" He said sheepishly.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome again to another year at Hogwarts," Professor Dumbledore announced. "Before we begin the sorting, as you have notice Mr. Sirius Black has kindly agreed to be your new defence against the dark arts teacher. All of you here I am certain have heard some form of rumour as to what befell last year in the Department of Mysteries involving a number of students here." Everyone began talking to each other, and Dumbledore raised a hand for silence.

"There are a few things that I would like to confirm with everyone so that there are no misgivings. Sirius has been proven innocent as he has claimed, with the true murderer discovered. The ministry of magic assures me that they are well and truly on the search for this man. Sirius, I might also add, in no way, shape or form is intent on hurting Harry, in fact, has saved his life on a number of occasions. I do not want _any _of the students here, and I would be ashamed to think any of you would cause any distress to the new first years in regards to it. Sirius has agreed to answer any questions so that you may feel comfortable," A Hufflepuff seventh year raised their hand immediately. "Yes, Mr. Gordan?"

"What about the attacks three years ago? On the Fat Lady and on Ronald Weasley?"

Sirius stood up. "I would like to clarify that I have never attacked Mr. Weasley, well, except on two occasions. The first I confess my aim was off, and the second was because he hadn't completed an essay. The attack on the fat lady was in panic."

"How did you escape from Azkaban?" asked a voice from the Slytherin table and everyone looked at Malfoy.

"Mr. Malfoy, you already know the answer to that question, no doubt. However, everyone in fifth year and up will be learning about wordless magic. As you may have noticed some wizards are proficient in _wandless_ magic. I was kept sane because I knew that I was innocent, and that wasn't a happy thought so, the Dementors couldn't suck it out of me. That combination was enough for me to plan an escape. Once I was out, a Muggle boat picked me up and dropped me off on shore, from there, it was easy." Harry snorted to himself. 'Wandless magic' to him simply meant 'I'm an animagus and there's nothing any of you can do about it.'

A Ravenclaw forth year girl raised her hand. "Mr. Black, have you ever been in a relationship?"

Everyone was taken aback by the question.

"Yes," he answered slowly wondering where this was going.

"Do you have a family of your own?"

"I had a wife and two children. They were murdered, a long time ago." Harry's gut twisted. Sirius had never said anything about it before. "My brother killed them. But I have a new family now, my god son, and my friends."

"Sorry, I didn't realise-" The girl began to apologise.

Sirius shook his head. "Voldemort's influences run deep, and in times of war, we all make sacrifices. I don't doubt that many here are aware of just how great those sacrifices can be at times," His eyes fell on Nevil. "And at those times, all we can do is push forward with what we've go when both sides suffer losses," his eyes moved to Draco, "We don't always realise until we're too deep to get out, and then you find that it's too late to take back what you did." He finished. Harry looked at Malfoy and could have sworn he saw him flinch and shiver. "Are there any more questions?" everyone shook their heads – all nervous to lock eyes with him. "Albus, back to you," he stepped aside.

"Ah…Minerva, I think the first years can come in now to be sorted…" there seemed to be a running silence after Sirius's speech. It had touched a number of students deeper than they dared to show. Some of the older students had the slight sign of a tear listening for those of whom they'd lost.

"_Times are tough,_

_The seas are rough,_

_As friends perish,_

_The times we cherish,_

_The future and past,_

_The last – too fast. _

_Salazar's ward, _

_With Godric's Sword,_

_Do so battle to the death,_

_Rowena and Helga,_

_Stand side by side,_

_Wise to see beyond the lies. _

_Innocent have fallen,_

_The guilty have risen, _

_The scales of Anubis do so sway,_

_Nut as night shall yet become day."_

The sorting hat finished leaving the elder students in wonder. Year after year, the words were growing ever more cryptic, and less to do with the actual sorting, though they applauded none the less.

"Interesting," muttered Hermione. "Though a little centred. I guess the sorting hat's becoming a little more cautious in it's sorting now?"

"Whose Anubis?"

"Honestly Ron, you're brother works with Ancient Egyptian history! Anubis is the god of death and embalmment, he weighs your soul when you die against a feather to see if the soul can pass on to the afterlife," She explained, "and Nut is the Goddess of day, night and the heavens – depending on what book you read," she added.

"Abbigale, Horten,"

"Ravenclaw!"

"But I don't see what that has to do with you-know-who?"

"Bassine, Jelindel,"

"Ron, be quite," Harry hissed, returning his attention to the sorting.

That night when they finally made their way back up to the dorm, their bellies full to the bursting, the boys sat on their beds talking as they waited for their stomachs to settle.

"Is it just me or has been Hermione acting strange?" Ron asked chewing on some gum.

"Yeah, a bit, but maybe she didn't get as higher OWLs as she was hoping for," Dean shrugged. "Hey Neville, you alright? You haven't said a word all night?"

"I'm, I'm fine," he said unconvincingly. Harry and Ron knew what was wrong, and the other two were still left in the dark about his parents.

"Do you want me to talk to Sirius?"

"Oh, no, it's not that. He was right about having to deal with it…" Neville trailed off.

"Well, we're here for you if you want to talk about it," Ron said, leaving Dean and Seamus wandering what they'd missed.

"Is there something we don't know?" Dean asked.

"Yeah," Neville said coming out from behind his bed curtains. "My mum and dad were tortured into insanity, after I was born. They don't even know me," he sighed. Harry was proud of Neville, it was something he'd kept closer than a vest over all those years and he was finally coming out with it. "They were friends with Sirius, and he knows about it. He's my uncle; I only found this out a few months ago. My mum's little sister married him. Three years later, they were attacked, the three of them, her and her children whilst Sirius was out on a mission with my parents. They decided to come back to celebrate at his house and…they found them…but it wasn't his brother who killed them."

"Who did?" Harry asked.

"His mother did."

All of them were left in stunned awe.

"No wander he hates her," Ron muttered to Harry, "I mean, mum doesn't like Fleur much, but she wouldn't poison her, or kill her or nothing,"

Harry lay in bed thinking about how Sirius must have felt. No wonder he hadn't said anything, though it never crossed Harry's mind to ask. He'd assumed Remus or Sirius would have told him themselves. His stomach twisted in guilt. He knew it wasn't his fault they'd died – he hadn't even been born, but that didn't do anything for the butterflies. He _should_ have known, _he should_ have asked, ages ago. But no. He found out that he had a step cousin, and that his guardian had been married with children who'd been murdered, all by ear. And still, Sirius supported the Order whole heartedly even though had he been home that night, he might still have a family…

* * *

Ssdiablo - Thank you to the 119 people who thought to read it, and the five wonderful people who Reviewed it! (Please note, _Previous_ chapter…yeah…go figure…)

Our thanks to…

harrypotter543 – For your birthday, we are buying you a pocket dictionary, lol mattlett

IceBreakersKiss – We intend to keep it both good and going

Artistgurl123 – We plan to keep it going (And good)

Maliaphire – Randomness is us, yep - yep, for another 'random and whacky' story please referrer to sarah-vs-psycheotic, then read **_Roast Chicken_**, we amaze even each other during times of boredom, ie, trying to avoid being kicked off the library computers in times of school.

taylor-leighyoung – Yeah…about that…uh…I sort of forgot how he was then was stuck with Gollum in my head so that was how we went about writing it. SvP didn't say anything so we went with it and their both ugly (in a cute sort of way), and _way_ mentally disturbed…noticed how they're never female's who are sickeningly evil…? Lol, thank you for reading.

SvP will reply to all the reviews of this chapter (Really, review just to see what she says! She's my insane little muse! …that sounded wrong…anyway, you might read long enough to regret not reviewing…)


	3. Chapter 3

SvP: As said we give you… UPDATE! Enjoy!

* * *

**Shut Up, Shut Up, SHUT UP!**

The next morning at breakfast, Hermione looked up to see Victor's owl swooping in toward them. "Hey Trix," she smiled rubbing his feathers. "Harry, ones for you," she handed him a letter slightly smaller than her own.

"Alright!" Harry exclaimed.

"What?" Ron and Hermione looked over his shoulder.

"Meteorite six two nine pre-release, he want's to know if I want one," Harry pulled out a quill and ink, "Reckon Sirius would let me have it?"

"Harry, for the sake of the Quidditch team, I think it would be a sin if you refused," Sirius said coming up behind him. "What's the stats on it?" he asked picking up the letter and scanning through. "_Nice_, and I though the Firebolt was impressive, haha, can't wait to see Snivilus's face when he hears about this," He had a day-dreamy expression floating across his face.

"Stop drooling Sirius, it's a broom for gods sake!" The three of them looked scandalised.

"_Just a broom! _Hermione, Quality Quidditch Supplies doesn't even know about this!" Ron exclaimed.

"Well either way, Sirius, you're going to have to start acting a little more professional about _Professor_ Snape. I know you don't get along too well."

Harry and Sirius snorted. The understatement of the century.

"You are a teacher, you're setting an example for the students, and like the sorting hat said, Gryffindors and Slytherins do get blinded by blinkers-"

"It never said anything of the sort," scoffed Ron, taking an unflatteringly _huge_ bite of toast.

"And on my right we have classic example number one," Hermione retorted in an airhostess tone, leaving Ron confused.

"Come on Hermione, it's a two thousand year old hat," Sirius scorned, slightly child-like.

"One thousand six hundred and twenty-three," Hermione corrected. "You're an adult, Sirius, and Ron, you don't have jaws the size of a lion, take smaller bites; that's foul!" She took several deep breaths to compose herself.

All of the guys looked at each other. "Hermione, are you alright?" Harry asked cautiously.

"Yes I am alright!" she said hysterically, picked up her plate and marched out. She was back not six seconds later, grabbed her bag timetable and letter from Krum, marching out again wordlessly. Another few seconds passed and there was an anguished and frustrated shriek from the entrance hall that was recognisably Hermione's.

"What do you think's wrong with her? She got all the subjects she wanted and she got all her OWLs," Ron mused.

"She probably just looked at her time table and saw that you lot have a double with me," Sirius shrugged.

* * *

Sirius's teaching skills however, were much better and professional than what Hermione and the other expected. He allowed the first ten minutes for them all to ask any additional questions, then settled the class down for some quick theory. The next session was then looking at… 

"Cake?" Neville asked looking at the dish placed before him – each with a different coloured icing.

"I don't know which is worse, Cornish pixies or this," slurred Draco. "What are we going to do? Protect our selves from a food fight?"

"No, Mr. Malfoy, as tempted as I was, no," Sirius replied. "You'd be amazed at how many wizards couldn't detect a poison to save their life. Now, before you, there are six pieces of Christmas puddings. Three are jinxed, two are poisoned with some of the original Wheezes gags – so nothing too dangerous, and one is safe to eat. Examine the qualities of each, taking down notes. When you think you've established the qualities of each, attach a label and eat the safe one. Tuck in!" he smiled at the class and they all started poking and prodding the cakes.

Hermione pulled out her wand, knowing the incantation for the Weasleys' invention – one she'd made up for her own purposes.

"_Hipitan,_" she tapped the top of the nearest one and it exploded in her face. She looked like a hand full of flour had been thrown in her face as she coughed.

"Yes, I forgot to warn you, Fred and George over heard you using that incantation and figured it would be bad for business. There's a safety self destruct for it so people think it's the spell," Sirius said, the corners of his mouth twitching as Hermione dusted the front of her robes.

"They are so dead," she muttered to herself as the class sniggered. "Go lay an egg Malfoy," she snarled at him as he imitated her expression.

"Yes, however Hermione's spell is an interesting one, and will work for many other poisons. For example," he waved his wand and a piece of cake hovered before him. "Hermione, would you care to explain it as you created it?"

"It's _meant_ to change the colour of the cake depending on the severity of the poison, going blue if it's spiked with a prank to red if it's more serious. You can also see to what extent by the shade of it."

Sirius pulled out a love potion and everyone laughed and cooed, a Ravenclaw girl called out, "And who's that meant for?"

"McGonagall with out a doubt," he teased and the class laughed. "Alright so here I'll put say…do you think a bottle would work on her?" The class laughed again as he poured a great splash on the cake. "Who want's to be in love with me for a day? So, as you can see, no trace, so we use Hermione's spell, _Hipitan_," he tapped the cake and it turned a slight orange-red, where there was more, the deeper the red. "Can anyone tell me why it would be red?"

"Because it's you?" someone called out and the class sniggered.

"Actually this isn't mine, I think Severus made it – God know's he'd need it," He added costing him a glare from Hermione as the class laughed. "Okay, not that funny, but that should defiantly come with a warning label. So, any other suggestions – oh look, Hermione's hand's up."

"Because it's a hallucigen," She said simply. "Sharing the same qualities as ecstasy and marijuana, though whether the affects in the long term are the same, I don't know."

"Okay, those of us who grew up soley with wizards, all nod your head and pretend to understand what she was on about…good, now she's right. There is no better way to disarm someone than to make them fall madly and passionately in love with you. They'll tell you anything, actually, that brings back a rather amusing memory involving Snape. We spiked Lily Evan's drink, and we didn't realise it was Snape's potion we'd nicked from the cupboard, not James's. that made an entertainingly painful week, I don't think the three of them ever forgave me for that…"

The class laughed at the idea of a red haired girl who was a Muggleborn running around after Snape. Harry allowed himself a chuckle, imagining his dad's face when he found out that the love of his life was running after Snape instead of him.

"That was our third year – not such a good year – ah, and speak of the Devil!" Sirius looked to the door where Professor Snape came in. "Cake?"

"Sirius, over these past years at Hogwarts and after, I have since learnt not to accept anything from you," he snarled. "I'm here to take Draco."

"Well as you can see, Mr. Malfoy's in class and there's ten minutes to go," Sirius replied, making the cake malleable with his wand, then having it magically stretch like he was making humbugs.

"It is a matter of some urgency and the headmaster has asked me to accompany him to the ministry of magic," Snape replied, his patience already wearing thin from the bouncing orange blob behind Sirius.

"Why haven't I been informed? Severus, you have to understand, I can't have you waltzing off with my students." The blob was now an elastic rope doing tricks before the class.

"He is a witness at his father's _trial_." Severus's eyes followed the blobs movements. Sirius spotted out of the corner of his eye Malfoy beginning to back up.

"Whoa!" The blob flew at Malfoy, landing on his book. "I haven't said you could go yet."

"Black, he is going."

"Mr. Malfoy do you want to go to your father's trial?" Sirius asked as Draco tried to pry the blob off his book.

"Black, erm, _what _exactly are you teaching them?" Snape's eyes browsed over the cakes.

"Defence against the bad cream, what does it look like? And don't change the subject."

"_This_ has absolutely nothing to do with the subject!" Snape waved around a piece of cake.

"I know, the subject is Draco, and the importance of a good piece of cake's crucial. Really, they're quite good. Now, you toddle off to the Headmaster, get him to come see me about-" Sirius froze and Snape absentmindedly took a bite. "Now, that was stupid," Sirius commented, as Snape keeled over backwards, his head crashing on a desk. "You're all witnesses, did I tell him to eat it?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"Did I not say, defence against the bad cream?"

They shook their heads again.

"Everyone gather round and take notes on the current side effects, this is a combination of three different 'drugs' per se. You can all leave once you've identified them so it will make Madame Pomfrey's life easier. Oh, Mr. Malfoy, run up to see Professor Dumbledore, he has a Port key in his office."

* * *

The news of Snape succumbing to poison quickly spread, (By the by, it was fainting fancy, canary cream and green goobob.) and Sirius quickly became a growing favourite with the students. Hermione, however disapproved of the entire fiasco. 

"Why couldn't he just let Malfoy go for goodness sake? It was obvious he was just doing it to get up his nose at Snape."

"Hermione, it's _Professor_ Snape, remember?" Ron chortled. "Move over bouncing ferret, there's a new classic!"

"Exactly, he's a teacher, both of them are! Sirius can't go telling stories about when they were younger, who knows what he'll go on about next – maybe they flipped him upside down in the middle of the grounds, Sirius is going to get himself into so much strife!" Hermione stressed so much Harry swore he saw sparks of electricity in her hair. "I mean, if it's out of school that's one thing, but no one is going to respect Snape as long as he doesn't!"

"Hermione, _who_ exactly respects Snape?" Harry reminded her.

"I don't know, that doesn't mean he has to go drugging him!"

"We were all there, he didn't tell Snape to do anything of the sort, and he did say defence against the bad cream, speaking of which, this is delicious," He said licking his fingers.

"Hermione, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, Snape might be the bigger man and laugh it off as a joke, getting him back by telling Voldemort that there's a secret entrance into the school through the whomping willow," Harry joked, earning himself one of Hermione's cold hard, not funny and you just jinxed it, stares.

"Very funny Harry, I can see us all in herbology being blasted to bits!" she stormed off to Ancient Runes.

"She's really in a bad mood today isn't she," Harry noted.

"I don't get it, he already knows, you think Peter kept it all this time? I don't. Why's she getting upset if Snape mentioning it?"

* * *

By dinner, Hermione could almost have passed as being back to normal, if it weren't for the occasional spark of electricity pulsing through her hair. Still, she seemed to be in a better mood, which was something. 

"I can't believe that bastard gave us a twelve inch essay to hand in _tomorrow_!" Harry complained as everyone sat down to dinner.

"_Harry_!" hissed Hermione.

"Hermione's been really…different." Harry muttered to Ron

"Probably the flying thing. You know she was attacking me before!"

"You know I'm sitting right next to you," Hermione commented helping herself to some pie

"Talk about a PMSing," Ron muttered under his breath.

"Do you even know what that means?" Blank expressions followed. "Obviously not. You know you two should really-"

"We know, read more, do our homework blah blah blah," Ron mouthed off.

"Actually I was going to suggest you find out what it means and to then mind your own business, but if you insist, I'm not due for another week or so."

"Not due to what?"

"Ron, don't ask, I know what she's on about and I've heard enough."

"No, seriously, 'Mione, what are you on about?"

"Ginny, tell him. It's your duty as sister to inform him why he isn't allowed to go through your stuff any more," Hermione directed to Ginny as she took a seat next to Hermione.

"He does that?" she asked lightly, all of them knowing she trapped everything in her room to stop people going through her things…must come from living in a house full of boys.

"Not often," Hermione joked.

"Did he find the pregnancy test?" Ginny asked loud enough that Ron could hear.

"No, I didn't – _What!_" Ron demanded suddenly, ignoring the rest of the school, standing up and looking at Dean as though he could have skinned him alive without even touching him.

"Ron, I was kidding!" Ginny said quickly forcing him to sit down again. "Leave Dean alone, he hasn't done anything for crying out loud – and it's none of your business," she scolded.

"It bloody well is, and I'm writing to mum about this – you'll be out of here before either of you can blink!"

"You still write to mummy Weasley?" Malfoy turned in his seat to join in, sending tension flying though everyone involved as it were.

"What are you going to do about it? Tell daddy and ask him to kill me? Or are you going to try and get my head cut off?" Ron snarled.

"I don't do mercy killings…" Malfoy replied smugly.

At the staff table, some teacher's were curious as to what they were all talking about, being at the opposite end of the hall and all the noise of the other students discussing the events of the first day back.

"Should I go down there?" Sirius asked Professor Dumbledore.

"Let's wait and see…"

"…And I think your boyfriend Potty might get desirous if I started noticing you." Both Harry and Ron made an attempt to lunge over to him but found themselves incapable, Hermione holding the back of Harry's robes and biting at a chicken drumstick whilst Ginny had her brother as she was talking to Dean.

"Or is it you that's jealous as you seemed so eager to check over at us so often."

"Ron, you should have stated that you aren't gay first." Ginny commented to her brother, everyone realizing what an idiot he was.

"Professor, they look like their about to get into a brawl," Sirius informed, concerned.

"Oh calm down Sirius, the girls have got their backs,"

"Well what about your threesomes? The whole school knows you're such a girl with two blokes to protect you. No amount of pay could cough that up so you must be giving them something on the side!" Harry threw over to the Slytherin table, Crabbe and Goyle balling their fists. The school cooed at them, looking to the Slytherin table to see Malfoy's response.

"Well at least I can beat a girl," Malfoy sneered.

Hermione had at some point let go of Harry's robes and was reading a small diary of sorts, casually pulled out her wand aiming it at Malfoy, not bothering to look up. "Care to repeat that? You may be blonde but there's no need to prove it."

"Are you calling me stupid, _mudblood_?"

Sirius heard that and stood up, about to jinx the little nit out of oblivion. Dumbledore stooped him.

"It's nothing more than a little spat."

"You heard that little shit!"

"And Hermione's a big girl, she can handle this in a mature fashion unlike you, James and Severus could. Trust her, watch."

"Well…I guess I am. You're the one keeping this going, but I'd be more than happy to end this. Bit like third year…well, with the words instead of fists."

This was apparently news to the Slytherins. "She punched you? _She punched you? _You couldn't block a _girl_? Granger punched you? Where did she actually learn to punch?" scattered amongst the students. For the first time Harry looked at the teachers table. They'd been watching the whole thing like a tennis match, uncertain when to step in.

"What on earth makes you think _Granger_ punched _me_? You're going to believe her over me?" there was a silent pause. "Well if you really want to know what happened, she didn't punch me, she slapped me because I told her I'd have to break off the love affair we'd been having."

_All_ the Gryffindor's sprang up.

"Professor you might want to step in now." One of the students muttered to the headmaster.

"Just wait, watch what's coming," Professor Dumbledorewould have been a terrific fan of tennis.

"Well darling _drakie poo_, you're right, it's time we brought it out into the open. Mudblood is simply the name he shouts when he's under me and can't handle anymore because he thinks it's criminal that a Muggleborn can be that good."

"Professor-" McGonagall began

"Just a little longer."

"But-"

"This is fun, enjoy it."

"Of course you have to understand what this would do to his relationship with his family, one of the reasons he's been so keen to keep this a secret. His brains couldn't handle it if I was dead, no more shagging in the broom cupboards between lessons and such. Harry, don't look so shocked, why do you think I've been acting so 'strangely'?" Ron and Harry's mouths were on the floor.

Malfoy's mouth was opening and closing speechlessly, unable to believe what was being said. "And of course there are near misses, I mean, I'm about a month late already, who knows? There's no local chemist in Hogsmeade."

"Professor, I really-" Flitwick determined this had gone far enough, even though they all knew it was just talk.

"Hold on, this is getting really good." Dumbledore was positively beaming.

"There were plenty of slip-ups, the detentions we've been having, all the time I've spent alone in the library, especially during third year, he was so kind when Ron started attacking me because of my cat. It was then we realized our feelings for each other. And of course Snape was in the whole deal too." Hermione threw in deciding to give him some pay back for calling her an insufferable know-it-all.

Snape's mouth feel open as teachers cast him dirty looks, Sirius looking as though he was quite ready to finish what he'd started in their fifth year.

"Why you bloody little mud- bookworm!" Malfoy finally exploded. Pansy looked disbelievingly at Draco

"Yes? I'm sorry Pansy, but it's true. He has a little snake in the closet. He _is_ the prince of Slytherin, nobody's perfect. " Hermione shrugged at Pansy. "I thought he told you the only reason he went with you to the Yule ball was because I was going with Krum and he was just trying to get back at me?"

No one really saw what happened, but Pansy stormed over and slammed Hermione one in the face.

"Professor!" Sirius demanded pulling out his own wand

"Right, I'm on it. Ladies, that's enough, ooh! Where's Lee when you need a good commentary?"

"ALBUS!" shrieked McGonagall, waving her wand at the two of them. Pansy was frozen with a bowl full of chocolate moose on her head, Hermione with grease all over her face from where Pansy had attacked her with a cooked chicken. "Everyone is dismissed to the common rooms immediately! Potter, Weasley, Granger, Parkinson and Malfoy, you will all remain back here for some serious talking!"

When the rest of the school departed, the five students slowly marched up to the head table with the realization they were dead. "I am appalled with all of you. Miss. Granger I am _astounded_ by you! True I expect this sort of behavior from Miss. Parkinson, and Mr. Malfoy, possibly even Harry but most certainly not from you!" McGonagall shrieked

"She never fails to astound anyone professor." Ron said stupidly, all four students wincing. "I'm sorry, I'm frank, I can't help it, you know Fred and George – look at my influences!"

"I also know Bill Charlie and Percy."

"Well there's a great example for you. Sorry! Please, someone gag me!"

"I'd be more than happy to weasel," Malfoy snarled pulling out his wand.

"Don't you start Mr. Malfoy," Sirius warned taking his wand.

"Minerva, I really don't feel this as necessary. You could simply expel Harry Ron and Hermione and there'd be no further trouble."

"Or we could do so with your two pets," Sirius sneered

"Well, you have to admit, he is scared to put Hermione in detention now," muttered Harry.

"Professor, I feel what has befallen here this evening between me and my colleagues-" Pansy began and Draco cut her off.

"Pansy, you don't even know what half those words mean." Draco snapped.

"Standing up for your slut now are you?" She demanded in a very Jerry Springer guest fashion.

"Well at least 'my slut' has half a brain." Pansy's and Hermione's mouth dropped. "Well it was impressive, I just wish it hadn't involved me. Wish I'd thought of hat. It just proves, never pick a fight with a smart person."

"Ah, I'm confused, are you two going out or not?" Ron asked concerned.

"Well, she was rather attractive when she was playing her little game, and I would want to know what it is I'd be screaming." He slipped an arm around Hermione's waist and she looked as though she was about to die.

"Let go of me." She ordered calmly.

"_Mr Malfoy_-" Snape began through gritted teeth.

"No, let them talk."

"Headmaster!"

"Well, the whole school knows about this little 'affair we've been having and as you so graciously brought it out into the open, we're going to have to play along with it. We want Draco Jr to be raised in a happy relationship don't we?"

"Of course we do, just with you not around. You know fully well it was a load of trollop, let go of me." Harry wondered if a bolt of lighting was going to leap from Hermione's hair and fry him.

"What shall name it if it's a girl?"

"How about sod off you great lard?"

"Hey, you two, this isn't a competition here. Pansy, three weeks of Detention. Harry and Ron, the same to you. You will all receive notices in the morning, dismissed." Dumbledore waited until the three of them were gone. "Now, you know what, I think Mr Malfoy has a point."

"About what?" Hermione asked as she kept slipping out of his arms. "For the sake of Merlin, cut that out!" she demanded almost breaking his arm.

"That you have to act this out."

"We have to do anything of the sort!" Hermione said quickly, "Memory modifications would work wonders – it's not too late!"

"It would be sufficient punishment for the lot of you. So, Draco will be switched into Gryffindor," Malfoy's mouth dropped faster than blinking. "And – Mr. Malfoy, this is what you suggested, isn't it? After all, Hermione and Pansy don't get along, and it would be punishment for you to stay in the same dorm as Harry and Ron as it will be to ah…host you.

"Now, Miss Granger, _your_ punishment is to be arranged," Albus said a little too kindly.

"B, bu, but!" Hermione stammered looking absolutely panicked. "Isn't acting as though I'm going out with him enough? Sirius say something!" she demanded.

He shrugged. "Like you said, Hermione, I'm an adult and a teacher. Sorry, my hands are tied."

Hermione could have burnt him to a crisp at that moment.

"So now you decide to be mature!" She demanded irately. "Of all the moments, _now?_"

"You know, that reminds me of something," Professor Dumbledore mused. "Mr. Malfoy, are you not attending the GQA?"

"Oh, Professor Dumbledore, please, don't," Hermione pleaded knowing what was coming. "Please! This is more than enough punishment – for both of us."

"To the best of my knowledge, Miss Granger here also has a ticket?"

"To go with Victor, yes! But not with, with, _that_!" She gestured at Malfoy who looked affronted to being referred to as a 'that'. "You know Lucius! He'll kill me for something I didn't want to get involved in in the first place – I don't to die!" she said franticly.

"Oh get over it Granger," Malfoy muttered. "He's in Azkaban."

"Hello? Voldemort running around killing people not going to bust him out?" she snarled and Malfoy flinched.

"Hermione, that will do," Sirius said calmly. Hermione rubbed her eyes to try and relieve the stress building up behind them.

"Okay," she breathed, "How long do we have to put on this masquerade?"

"Indefinitely."

"Indefinitely? Professor, I'm going to need a time frame or I will simply feed myself to the giant squid now," Hermione said calmly. She was _not_ going to let this become a timeless factor. She was going to get in, serve the time and get on with her life.

"You couldn't do that if you wanted to," Sirius informed.

"And why's that?"

"It's a vegetarian. James and I tried to feed Severus to it once,"

Hermione gritted her teeth, much like Snape. "You have a very interesting ways of picking times to be 'a teacher' as you so graciously put it," Hermione muttered.

"You will both be relinquished from this punishment when all the teachers feel the punishment has been met." Dumbledore informed.

Draco looked pointedly at Snape, Hermione at Sirius and McGonagall.

"It's ye own faults you two decided ter get cocky," Hagrid mumbled.

Dumbledore pulled out his wand.

"What are you doing?" Draco asked and Hermione whimpered knowing what was happening. "What's he doing Granger?"

"We can't tell anyone the truth," Hermione complained as the wand tip glowed.

"Now, just to check; _Peeves!_" Right on cue, he zoomed in. "These two are going out with each other," He told the poltergeist. Peeves laughed.

"It's true!" Draco declared angrily, "Whoa, did I just say that? It's _not_ true, it's _not_ true, it's _not_ true – I don't like this spell,"

"Only things involved in the punishment will be affected. Now, Dobby has already taken your things up to Gryffindor tower. Hermione, would you like to escort your boyfriend?"

"_No_! _Yes_!" she found herself saying. "Fine, Drakie-poo, follow me," she said spitefully marching out of the hall.

"Don't call me that!" Draco said, casting one final glare at Dumbledore before jogging after her.

"Professor, are you _sure_ this is going to work?" Sirius asked doubtfully. "And are you sure you couldn't have picked someone _other_ than Hermione?"

"If you can find someone better than the 'Princess of Gryffindor', then certainly. Just watch and learn, the Marauders weren't the first to cause mischief in this school," Dumbledore replied, his eye's glinting.

* * *

SvP: Thanks for the reviews, people-ings. I have to keep it short coz I'm getting kicked off. We'll try to keep the updates consistent, but TRY not to get pissed, drunk or angry, if we have a delay. As you can not doubt read, I am rather serious today, sorta. Anyway- 

We give our thanks to…

Artistgurl: We took your bleeding – I mean pleading - into account, and we decided not to keep you waiting. We go with the wishes of the people!

K-S-A Eris: We totally agree with the more reviews, but alas:sigh: Thankyou for the compliment, and keep 'em comin', well the reviews anyway, we completely appreciate it, mate. And we will keep the story comin'! So never fear… the weird girls are here!


	4. Chapter 4

Ss, Hey everyone, it's both us, eeevil us.

SvP, wazzzzup?

Ss, Ta for the reviews, keep them coming!

SvP, hell yeah!

* * *

**Bra Bashed**

"This is all your fault!" Hermione ranted as they jogged up the stairs. "Indefinite? This could go on for weeks – months!"

"Well if you hadn't blabbed to the school _none_ of this would have happened you stupid _mudblood_,"

Hermione spun around, wand at his face. "Call me that again and you will seriously regret it," she warned, returning up the stairs.

"Why didn't they just kill me now and have done with it?" Draco muttered. "Ravenclaw, maybe, even Hufflepuff, but _Gryffindor_! Of all the places."

"Quit your moaning, don't think I'm happy about this in the slightest. You do realize what this _means_, don't you?"

"Hey?"

"We are stuck with each other, and in a sickening sort of way – _miss_ each other. If you hadn't started playing who's got the bigger horse with Ron and Harry – argh! How do you guys live with your egos, I will never know!" she stopped before a vacant portrait.

"Looks like this is er…our stop? Where's the 'fat lady'?"

"Probably having a drink with Violet or something. _Porticus Dentre_," the portrait swung open. "Come on, or I'll leave you out there for Filch to catch you, then _you _can have some fun trying to explain why you're hovering out there," she sneered holding the portrait open. He climbed in. "Through here," she opened another door and found Ron and Harry sitting on the floor with Dean – Ginny sitting on his lap, Seamus and Neville.

"My god, they weren't kidding?" Seamus muttered looking at Draco. "You two are really going out? Hermione –" He was lost for words as Hermione and Draco looked at Ron and Harry.

"What did you tell them?"

"That you aren't going out…why can't we say it?" Ron asked her.

"Oh shit!" Hermione cussed and they all stared and Hermione. "Well I am human, and this has been a really bad week so if you don't mind, I'm going to cuss a bit," she snarled pacing the room, stamping her foot in frustration occasionally. "Harry," she turned to and he jumped. "Am I going out with Draco Malfoy?"

"No Yes, whoa, that's ain't right , "

"Great. _Brilliant!_" Hermione shrieked. Draco looked at her questioningly. "It's affected them too, and I don't doubt it's the same with Pansy," she slumped into a chair exhausted. "Now everyone Thinks knows we're going out."

"So you've been cheating on Victor all this time?" Ginny attacked.

"_No!_ _Yes!_" Hermione desperately wanted to scream if it weren't for the fact she'd wake up the entire common room.

"I can't believe you Hermione – of all the people in the world – he loves you so much – _you're_ his greatest treasure!" Ginny attacked, every word was like a knife being twisted in her heart and she burst into tears as Ginny stormed up to her dorm. How could they believe it was all true?

Harry knelt down before her to hug her. "We know what's true," he said, though it didn't give her any comfort. With no one who knew the truth being able to tell the truth was worse than anything she could have imagined.

"It's a rumor spell," she sobbed quietly so those who didn't know the truth couldn't hear. "And Dumbledore's made it indefinite," she whispered.

"What does it do?"

"It makes people more susceptible to believe what they're told, and as you saw, those who know the truth aren't able to tell or communicate it in anyway – second language, sign, written, spoken, even expression and tone change when you are around people who don't know the truth," Hermione explained as the other boys all had a glaring match, none of them stupid enough to try anything, though you could cut through the tension with a knife.

"A reverse?"

"Only the person who cast's the spell can, if anyone else tries, it could make things worse – it's _very_ advanced magic, the sort of thing Rita would love to be _capable_ of casting. The people who are caught in it can't even undo it if they knew how, so there's no point." She looked over at Neville Dean and Seamus. "Get them out of here, I don't care where, just out of here. I need to talk to the three of you – honestly," Hermione muttered and Harry nodded.

"Hey, guys, Ron and I'll be up there soon, we just gotta talk to Herms and Malfoy about ah…their punishment, don't wait up," Harry hinted ushering them to the stair case.

"Are you sure you don't want us here, you know, incase he tries something?" Dean asked looking at Draco.

"He's not that stupid."

The three of them still didn't make a move.

"Fine! My wand, on table." Draco scoffed irritably.

"Should we frisk him?" Neville asked and everyone looked at him. "We've all been to Zonkos and Fred and George's shop!" he said in his defense.

"You know Harry, he does have a point-"

"Upstairs, now!" Harry barked and they shrugged, scurrying up.

Draco chuckled as he reached out to retrieve his wand. "What a bunch of-"

"Touch that wand and you'll find it in the fire," Ron had his wand at Malfoy, his eyes were cold and hard.

"Ron," Harry started.

"I don't trust him as far as I can throw him," Ron cut in, not taking his eyes away from Malfoy's.

"Ron cut it out," Hermione said exasperatedly, cutting in front of him and handing Draco his wand. "Sit down, both of you," she ordered pushing some chairs closer to the fire. "Today please?" she demanded irritably when neither of them moved.

Draco took the chance to smirk at Ron as he pocketed his wand and Ron glowered in return sitting next to Harry.

"Hermione, what's going on exactly, why can't I say that you two aren't going out? Hey, it worked!"

"That's because everyone here knows that. Those in the vicinity who might see, hear or read about it and don't know the truth believe the alternate which is that Malfoy and I are. That's our punishment; Harry can explain it to you later. What we need to figure out, now that we can say the truth, is how the hell we're all going to survive this, however long it lasts,"

Everyone looked at each other.

"We could write notes to tell people the truth?" Ron suggested

"Won't work. The note will probably change into a love letter or something," Hermione replied.

"We could ask you know who to kill Dumbledore?"

Everyone glared at Draco. "One, he already is planning on doing that, two, we'd better bloody well hope that _if_ he does, the spell reversed because other wise, it's permanent and finally, before you suggest killing me, _you_ will find that should I die, as a safety precaution you will find your self so love sick you'd simply commit suicide as soon as you approach someone who doesn't know the truth."

Draco looked sour.

"So that's it? I'm stuck with you?"

"None of us are terribly happy about this, Malfoy." Hermione sighed.

"What about through Patronesses?"

"Nope, we can't have otters and snakes and what not flitting about the castle, it'll look too suspicious. How about we meet up twice a week after everyone's asleep, we need to work this out. In the mean time…" she looked at Malfoy painfully. "There's one more thing you two should know,"

Three boys came tumbling down the staircase. "What is _this_ doing in our dorm?" Dean demanded brandishing a Slytherin night robe, and the five boys stared at Hermione.

"That small issue…" Hermione broke off timidly. This was going to be a long night…

* * *

The news that Draco Malfoy was now both officially in Gryffindor and Hermione Granger his long-term lover per se, spread through the news before morning. The ruckus the sixth year Gryffindor boys made about Malfoy brought the entire house down to the common room – something Harry quickly managed to slip her the invisibility cloak as some small measure of mercy. 

McGonagall _and_ Snape came in at three am to find Draco in the center of six duels – at once, and a little worse for wear, floating around the chandelier as spells were fired at him like bullets, earning the house – and Draco, one week of detention in the dungeons, five hundred points from Gryffindor, and letter's home to all parents. Just the sort of publicity Hermione had been terrified of getting involved in. Under the guise of the invisibility cloak, Hermione managed to slip out with the teachers, making her way to the room of requirement. She was _not_ going to risk an earful from the girls in her dorm, or all the girls who'd no doubt flocked there in search of her.

She pushed open the door to the room of requirement and it was as though she'd stepped into her own room at home. It was as she knew it would be when she would go home for the holidays, her bed freshly made with new sheets, and her mother arranging all her teddy bears and other soft toys at the head. She'd long grown out of them, but they were still her novelty sentiments. Freshly cut Tiger lily's were in a tall glass vase at the window, contrasting with the white walls and furniture. Her desk was crammed with so much paper it sagged, and her computer was buried under post it notes and blue tack. The photo's that were hung on the wall were all printed in black and white, artworks of her designer cousin. She closed the door and ran to her bed, burying her eyes in her soft toys, and fell asleep crying.

* * *

"Malfoy, piss off," Ron said for the umpteenth time in an annoyed, singsong voice as he followed Harry. The great search was on, once Hermione was reported to not have returned to her dorm, and none of the portraits and teachers had seen any sign of her that morning. It was lunchtime, a gorgeous Saturday, and she was now where to be found. They'd been everything, even asking Hagrid to visit Grawp on their behalf to see if she was there. They'd scoured every inch of the library, hoping to find her before the angry mob of Gryffindors did. 

"Oh, so what am I supposed to do? My supposed girlfriend goes missing and I'm not worried? Besides, more than one house want's my skin on their wall," He argued with Ron.

"Recon she's with Dumbledore?" Harry asked at they passed the gargoyle.

"Nah, he said he hasn't seen her. Harry, just use the map!"

"Ron, no map is going to find her," Harry said warningly, not wanting Draco to know anything about it.

"You know, Ginny can access our Dorm?"

"So?" Harry asked wondering what this had to do with anything.

"So she knows how to use it," Ron reminded and Harry's pupils dilated.

"_Shit_!" He turned and an, Ron and Malfoy following him

"What's so big about this map?" Draco asked running along side Harry. "I mean, it's Hogwarts, no map-"

"If Ginny gets to her before we do, Sirius will wish he's back in Azkaban for making it in the first place!" Harry swore,

"Whoa, that bad huh?" Draco asked.

"But Ginny will see us coming – Hey Terry, seen Gin?"

"Yeah, she was up ahead winging about a piece of parchment," He didn't get to finish before they were gone.

"Ginny, _give me that map!_" Harry demanded in an undertone.

"Oh would you look at that? The gigolo's here too," she scorned at Draco. "Why the hell are you two defending her – and why is he with you when he tried to _kill _us last year?" Ginny demanded.

"Ginny, give me the map!"

"Why?"

"Because it's mine for starters and I saved your friggen life! You're upset at her, not me, remember? Right now, I just want to try and work out what's going on here, and I'm willing to trust her," Harry said through gritted teeth and she thrust it into his hand.

"She's not there, she's gone off the grounds," she scowled, kicked Draco and marched off.

Harry quickly scanned the map before Draco recovered to look at it, "mischief managed,"

"What?" Draco demanded as though Harry were nuts.

"Ah, nothing, just referring to Hermione," Harry lied. There were something's for obvious reasons he didn't want to share. "Do you want to try again after lunch?" he asked Ron. "Kitchen's just there," he jerked his head at the painting. Ron nodded as he tried to regain his breath.

"Come on wheezy," Draco taunted as he followed Harry. Ron glared at the back of Malfoy and made a rude gesture. "So the kitchen is where…?" he looked around as Harry tickled the pear, and the painting morphed into a door. "I see…" he followed Harry in. Dobby ran up to Harry, about to hug his knees when he skidded to a halt, staring wide eyed at Draco.

"Dobby, it's alright. How's Kreature?"

"Kreature is erm…good, good sirs…"

Draco's eyes didn't leave the elf, as he fidgeted with his tea cozy. "So this is what happened to Dobby," Draco muttered, casting a dark glare at Harry. "You actually affiliate with house elves?" he asked in shock

"As Hermione's 'boyfriend', you should know that she's the president of S.P.E.W," Harry muttered in an undertone, knowing that the foundation wasn't popular amongst many of the elves after her 'freedom' rampage.

"I thought Wheezy was the president of spew, specializing in slugs?" Draco replied in feigned confusion and Ron gritted his teeth.

"I guess that makes you vice president specializing in verbal Diarrhea?"

"Okay, enough baiting for now, lets just get something to eat and find Hermione so we can start bribing teachers," Harry cut in before they started ripping at each other's heads.

"The sooner I'm back in a _real_ house, the better," Draco scorned.

"Let it go Ron," Harry warned as Ron made yet another violent gesture.

"Sirius!" Harry marched into his classroom where Sirius and Remus were talking over a cup of coffee. Harry slammed the map down between them. "She's not on here," he showed them bitterly allowing them to examine it.

"Has she gone into Hogsmeade?"

"Well I can't get out of the school without him knowing, he's dogging me like a bloodhound," Harry pointed at Ron and Malfoy just outside the room.

"Have you checked the maps history?" Remus asked scanning over it.

"The what?"

"History. Remember we used this map to track people down. You can find the last point of exit with it. _I swear I am looking for no good,_" he tapped the map with his wand, and every moving dot vanished. "Hermione Granger," he said as he used his wand to write the name and her name appeared moving down a third floor corridor before vanishing, everyone else returning.

"There are no secret passages there?" Sirius asked examining the map up close.

Harry stared at it. "Mischief managed, thanks guys," Harry picked up the map and ran out to the other two, amazed they hadn't killed each other. "I know where she is,"

"Hogsmeade?" Ron asked as the pair of them followed Harry.

"She's still in the school. This way," he led them along the passage, and then another. He stopped at a door that none of them remembered to ever have been there, and he knocked. "Hermione, open up, we know you're in there," he said knocking. There was a muffled sound of scraping furniture. "It's just us, there's no one else here,"

She opened the door slightly and the three of them quickly stepped in. "Where are we?" Ron asked staring around the room as though he were on an alien spaceship.

"My room at home," she said flopping on to her bed cross-legged. "How bad is it?" she asked nervously.

"Well…" Ron started, falling short before he could say, 'not bad',

"Weasette wants to kill you," Draco replied bluntly. "Where's that music coming from?" he asked looking around mystified.

"CD player," She pointed at her stereo. "Enya."

Ron and Draco set their differences aside to explore her 'alien territory', Harry sitting on her bed and talking to her about what was going on. Hermione gave the pair instructions on how to change the CD, allowing them to go nut's skipping through tracks as Harry and she tapped their feet to the familiar tunes. With 'Love shack' blaring at full volume, Harry winced, muttering something about the stereo having good base.

"What's a Chrysler?" Ron asked.

"A car – can we listen to something else?" Hermione asked pressing mute through the remote, and that was the next big thing.

Harry and Hermione laughed at the two pure blood wizards as they had a ball exploring and tampering with all the usual day-to-day items, and nearly corrupting the computer. Hermione laughed, not minding Draco going through her cupboards and draws, throwing underwear and jeans out on the bed, flicking through photo albums as Ron went mad playing solitaire.

None of them would ever have thought Draco was their worst enemy.

"Whoa, Hermione!" Draco suddenly exclaimed pulling out a red lacy bra with an evilly suspicious grin on his face, Ron's face going the same colour as the bra and Harry falling over in laughter.

"Give me that!" she snatched at it and Draco held it just out of reach as she crashed to the floor.

"Where'd you get it?" he asked slightly intrigued.

"It was a present!" she said jumping to reach it. "Draco give it to me now!"

"Victor has good taste," He noted and she blushed,

"It's not from Victor!" she said making another wild snatch at it. "If you must know it was from my aunt for my, Aguh!" she made another jump, Ron starting to laugh a bit at the scene. "For my sixteenth birthday, and I haven't spoken to her since!" She huffed with her arms folded. "If you failed to notice the tags still on it, and it was at the back of the draw. _Harry this is not funny!_" just made him laugh even more and he fell off the bed.

Draco read the tag. "_To my dearest Hermione, as a Granger, your sixteenth may not be so sweet, Love Aunty Bette_, woo-hoo, maybe I should hold on to this one," he commented, and Harry sobered up pretty damn fast as Hermione whipped out her wand.

"Hey, Malfoy, come on, none of this stuffs real, we're still at Hogwarts. This is just…a change in molecular density," Harry rambled as it sounded good.

"Malfoy, give me the bra or I will jinx you so fast-"

"Would you be fast enough to stop me from chucking this out in the hall? As you said, Mione, the rumor spell can do nasty things when it comes to assumptions," His hand was on the doorknob. "This is all I need to get back in the good books with _my_ house – all I have to do is smooch up to Parkinson and she'll give me the pass word." He gloated. "Unless you're all willing to co-operate with me,"

Hermione walked up to him, opening the door around him. "Go ahead, take it to them," she said bitterly, though Draco couldn't fail to see the suspicious glint in her eye. He read the tag again.

"Very cute, Hermione, very cute," he sneered tapping her cheek and threw the bra on to the bed.

"Don't take me on," she threatened, her arms folded, glaring up at him.

"Wouldn't dream of it," he sneered in reply.

The four of them left the room, Harry glanced at the bra and saw the name had changed from Hermione to Lavender. Cruel, but smart.

* * *

Hermione dunked under the water in the Prefects bathroom tub. "Hi Myrtle," she said as her head broke the surface of the water. "What's up?" 

Myrtle giggled and vanished as the door opened, and Hermione took a deep breath as she vanished beneath the bubbles. The bathrooms were one of the few places she could seek solitude from the rest of the Gryffindors, but she couldn't stop the other Prefects using it. She waited until she thought it was safe and took a breath, opening her eyes.

"Well well well, if it isn't my supposed girlfriend?" Said a voice and she turned around in shock. Draco was in the tub, and smirking as she quickly sailed back.

"What do you want Malfoy?" she asked irritably making sure that she was properly hidden by the bubbles.

"I'm having a bath, what does it look like?" he replied with a smirk.

"Well do you mind?" she demanded and he laughed.

"It wasn't my idea to make this a unisex bathroom,"

"Myrtle! Get out of here, _now_," she demanded irritably. _None _of the ghost's knew and they were left to assume the spell affected them too.

Draco chuckled and floated over to her as she shifted along the wall. "Looks like she's not listening," he commented floating past her and Hermione splashed him in his eyes, leapt out of the tub and had a towel around herself before he could see again. Indignantly, she grabbed her clothes and entered a cubical to change.

"No need to be so indignant," he laughed hopping out.

"Really?" She scoffed, "I don't know about you but an invasion of privacy counts in my books." She pulled the jumper roughly over her head and unlocked the door. "Oh good god! Get some clothes on for god's sake!" she shrieked and his hand moved to let go of his towel, "Don't you dare," She warned as he smirked,

"Nothing I haven't shown before,"

"Nothing I want to see," she retorted as she shoved past him.

"Nothing that you wouldn't or haven't dreamed about," He chortled.

Hermione froze on the spot looking at him enraged, opening and closing her mouth furiously. "Why you–" At that moment the door to the bathroom opened and Pansy walked in. "little evil insolent termite! Dirty Stud muffin," Her voice changing to a flirty tone.

Pansy's eyes were the size of saucers and her mouth was hovering around her knees.

Hermione spun around in shock, prey it wasn't her, and it was. "This isn't what it looks like," Hermione said quickly. Draco sauntered up behind her.

"Are you sure?" He asked Hermione, holding her around her waist, purposefully trying to make both her and Pansy uncomfortable.

"Draco, let go of me or you will be screwed so bad you can't fly for a month! Draco, let go of me or you will be screwed so bad you can't fly for a month," _WHAT! Wrong tone, waaaaay wrong tone!_

"Maybe I should hold on a bit tighter then," Draco taunted as Pansy looked very white.

"You _bastard dick brain!_" She cursed at him. "And you whoring Mudblood!" Pansy stormed out of the bathroom, slamming the door so hard the pictures crashed to the floor – the mermaid falling into the bathtub screaming she was 'drowning'.

"You son of a bitch!" Hermione screamed at him turning around to face him. "You whoring son of a mother fucking bitch!"

"Whoa, slow down, you just swore in a _major_ way?"

"Well what do you fucking expect!" she demanded, still trapped in his hands.

"I don't know, do you seriously think I meant all that crap! What about screwing me for a month!"

"If you hadn't come on with the wise cracks about you and…it!" she retorted furiously. She was breathing heavily from pent up frustration. There was a quiet creek behind her and she opened to say something else when Draco's mouth met hers.

It took her, a moment – maybe three – to realise that he was kissing her feverishly, and to her greater shock, she was too. Well, she couldn't have that, pulling away from him in shock as soon as she realised, shaking violently, still trapped in his arms. Her eyes never left his, he too seemed to be over come with shock, but she recovered first, and slapped him hard across the face, marching out with out another word.

Draco smirked happily to himself in a way only Draco could as he redressed. She would run along, tell the others about it, and then the two boys would be expelled for attempted murder. That would teach the little bitch to mess with him. Once Ron and Harry were out of the way, there would be no one to stop him doing what ever he wanted with that 'sweet little innocent girl', Hermione. Everything was falling into place…

Hermione avoided looking at anyone as she raced back up to her dorm, looking in her mirror. Her lips were red, and somewhat bruised from where he'd bitten her. She rummaged in Lavander's draws looking for some foundation or lipstick to cover it with. She knew what Draco expected to do, but she wasn't fool enough to-

"Hermione?" a timid voice came from the door and she twisted around as though she'd been doing something wrong. There was no one there, but the slightest out line of…

"Ginny?" she asked carefully and she pulled the cloak off her. "What is it?" She knew that she didn't really have a reason to be short with her, but she was miffed that she'd believed the spell so easily.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know – I mean I knew but,"

Hermione realised then what had happened. She drew Ginny into a hug, "I know, just have a little bit more faith in me in the future," Hermione chuckled. "What were you doing in the prefect's bathroom anyway?"

"I was thinking of sneaking into Hogsmeade, then Pansy bowled me over saying something about you and Malfoy fucking in the bathroom. Now I know the truth," Ginny handed her a small tub of cream. "This will clear it up in a day," and with that, Ginny left.

* * *

Insanepants: I don't really know...i guess so...sez?

SvP: Caz, I'm gonna kick ur butt one of these days!  
Ss: (I know who wishes you'd kick _his_ 'butt')

Artistgirl123: We will will will will will will will will!

Sllug92: done more slowly!

XXDarkest AngelXX: Awe, story loves you too - 'specially reviews!

lll: As you wish.

A/Ns: Ladies and gents, we need you to work with us on this one...yes, that means you all have _homework_, lol. We have the following options:

1. Snape escorts Herm. and Draco into Diagon ally for dress robes for the GQA.  
2. Victor Krum finds out!  
3. Pansy seeks revenge,  
4. All of the above...  
5. Give us your thoughts, we'd love to hear them. All opinions welcome...(no flames please, SvP. is a water elemental.)

Thank u everyone who read and reveiwed, we love you!

SvP: Amen!


	5. Chapter 5

**Kill First, Questions Later**

There was more that was at play it seemed then simply being punished for being exceptionally immature as Hermione and Draco both discovered the next day when they over heard that Dumbledore had finally granted the Creevy brothers to write a student magazine, the first edition was published and distributed the next day costing all students a discounted one sickle or a Galleon for a one year subscription of 'The Chronicle'. To add insult to injury, this wasn't exclusively a student Magazine, more like '_An insight into the daily experience and on goings for all students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_,' as the tag line quoted. Splashed across the cover was Hermione and Draco, (With nothing but a towel for modesty purposes,) making out like nobody's business in the bathroom. Ron, Harry Ginny had made their best efforts too keep the pair from finding out, and it took all the members of the DA and Professor Flitwick to stop Hermione and Draco from throttling them.

"_Why you little, insubordinate evil, despicable, male dingbat!_" she screeched as she clawed at the air trying to reach Denis as Harry struggled, both arms around her waist, holding her off the ground, trying to ignore the flailing legs as she dug her heels into his legs and knees. (A/N: Due to rating purposes, and for the story, she can't place them anywhere else, we apologise for any fantasy interruptions.)

In the meantime, Draco discovered that he could fly. Slowly, true, but with the help of Flitwick levitating him in a desperate bid to keep the class in one piece, he found that the chandeliers made excellent grabbing hooks as he threw the candles onto Colin's head. Flitwick was on the verge of tears after Peeves arrived and decided it looked like fun, and so joined Draco, though he found it was more effective to cut the chain holding the chandelier when Draco ran out of candles.

Hermione and Draco sat side by side in the Headmasters office as Dumbledore surveyed them, clucking his tongue, waiting for one of them to offer an explanation.

_If we sit really still, he won't see us,_ Draco repeated over and over in his head. The wrong pair were about to be expelled – it was those Creevy brats! And if there was anyone who deserved expulsion more than them, it was the weasel smoking the pothead. On another thought, it wouldn't be too bad if all four were gone, but that would just make this whole thing boring.

"So," Professor Dumbledore began. "So…Now would be an excellent time for the two of you to explain to me why I have just changed my mind for when to take this curse off you two months earlier than planned."

"Umm, I think this could explain our actions today," Hermione said tapping on the small magazine on his desk where her picture self was straddling Draco, back against the wall, the headline in blazing writing read, _Lusty lovers leave the taps running._

"Just slightly," agreed Draco.

"It's an article about water usage." Dumbledore replied lightly, and Hermione snatched the magazine.

"The Boy all know as the Prince of Slytherin, Draco Malfoy has this year been unmasked as the mysterious lover of none other than the plain but clever sixth year Hermione Granger when it was announced that she suspected she may be pregnant with his child. A shocking turn of events as Hermione's two best friends the famous Harry Potter and not so Ranald Wezley have shown no care for the man of every girls Dreams (Surveys show that eight out of ten girls fantasize about him and three out of Ten Boys have claimed if they were chicks they'd 'do him') Draco Malfoy, son of none other than Lucius Malfoy – right hand man to You-Know-Who, and currently spending the next two months in Azkaban whilst waiting for his trial-_ Where exactly is there anything mentioned about water usage?"_

"Page six, where he runs the theory that Hogwarts is using all the water that surrounds Azkaban which in part aided Sirius's escape."

"Am I really that popular? Cool."

"Those statistics are made up; we still want to get your head through a door." Hermione snapped.

Dumbledore chuckled to himself lightly as he watched the two bicker incessantly. It continued for another six minutes before Dumbledore cleared his throat loud enough so they would stop.

"I have had a discussion with that Creevy brothers about _what_ they post in their tabloid, and _how _they go about it. Unfortunately as the, what was it he referred to you two as…" he flicked the page. "Ah yes, the Prince of Slytherin and the Heroin of Gryffindor."

"What a load of crockery," Hermione muttered under her breath.

"Well, you have saved Harry and Ron's necks a number of times, so that's only fair." Dumbledore replied as Hermione folded her arms in a huff. "The crux of the matter is that the pair of you have broken an age old Taboo-"

"We haven't done anything, as I recall," Draco snapped, arms folded with the same posture and venomous glare as Hermione.

"In the eyes of the rest of the school you have. Colin and Denis are no longer permitted to take photo's with out flash on, nor are they allowed to bug rooms, however, anything that's in public view is fair game." They nodded in irritation.

* * *

"I swear, nothing right now could be worse than this!" Hermione seethed as she stormed down the stairs, making her way to her safe place – the library. Draco followed, quite relaxed, reading The Chronicle as he went. "I can't believe I was the one who suggested that bloody magazine in the first place!" 

"Haha, look at this, they've spelt Weasley's name wrong every time, Ranald Weeezlie? I love it."

Hermione spun around and snatched it out of his hands. "Oh, so now it's alright is it? You're just going to _let_ them do this!" she demanded waving the paper in front of his face, before glaring at the photographic self. "What is this! Porn!" she shouted at the picture, throwing it into the library fire. "It's sickening, that's what it is."

"Hermione, welcome to the society pages."

"You've just let this go?"

"Yup."

Hermione balled her fists. "That's really what the shrieks from Flitwick's class sounded like," Hermione replied doubtfully.

"Hey, that little brat was asking for it. Do you honestly think I would ever voluntarily date _you_? I mean really, you offend everything I stand for! Filthy Mudblood-"

"Call me that one more time, and you'll find yourself a eunuch."

Draco pretended to ignore her threat but did shift his leg slightly.

"-landed my father in prison, are "Pro House elf", best mates with Potter, and you're as innocent as a Unicorn-"

"I am most certainly not!" Hermione cut in.

"Please, yesterday was probably the closest thing you ever got to being with a guy, and probably ever will,"

Hermione's hand collided sharply with the side of his cheek, sending him back reeling. "You're despicable," She hissed, her voice filled with pure venom as she climbed a ladder in search of any book, and to get away from him.

"At least I'm not repressed."

"Hey guys," Ginny skipped in just as Hermione was about the drop a rather large encyclopaedia on his head.

"I'm amazed that you even know what that means," she said, tossing a large dictionary over her shoulder, which he barely caught.

"Not everyone has to read an oxford just to know how to talk,"

"Oh my god, he can refer to Muggle items, well ain't that something," she said, tossing a book of Muggle medical terms with some difficulty.

"Same way I'm amazed you can brew a decent potion,"

"Hello? I am standing right behind you?" Ginny said, tapping her foot in irritation of being ignored.

"What the-how?" he asked looking at her as though she were an alien.

"Once again, you find yourself struggling to under stand the quite simple and obvious." Hermione chorused, looking down on him. "She knows. Gin, aren't you meant to be in potions?"

"Yeah, I finished all my notes early. Snape sent me to look for you."

"Why?"

"Because he said to met him in the great hall at seven tonight, to bring your purse and warm clothes."

"Thank god! His smuggling me out!" cheered Draco.

"Actually he has been told by Professor McGonnagal to escort the pair of you to Diagon Ally."

Draco stopped mid dance. "What?"

"Shopping, Malfoy. You do it on quite a regular basis I here tell. 'parently you two are representing the school in some world event and the pair of you need new dress robes, accessories, hair," she listed off.

"What?" Hermione slid down the ladder easily from habit. Ginny had seen her do it with a stack of books in her hands and her teeth, however the book in her mouth knocked every rung, so that was the final attempt with eleven books. "Hold on, Snape's taking _us _shopping?"

"That's what I thought too, I mean, they both run around in potato sacks."

"That's rich, Weasley."

Ginny ignored him. "McGonnagal was going to, but she had to supervise detention. Sirius did offer but it came down to luck of the draw."

"Great. Shopping with a rotting rhino."

"Great, shopping with a Mud- I mean, Muggle born."

* * *

"Miss Weasley, ah, what are you doing here?" 

"Well I'm coming with." Ginny said simply as though the question was pointless. Pulling on a coat, she started to walk out. "Well this _is_ meant to be representing the school, no? So then you can simply advertise the wonderful bonds between teachers and students. And Hermione needs dress robes that go beyond bland." She added as an after thought.

Shrugging, Draco and Hermione followed after her.

* * *

Hermione had never been to a late night market in Diagon Ally. Candle lit stalls were everywhere, packed with home crafts and little novelty items as people haggled about prices, or clambered about for that one special item. She, however was the only one to have ever witnessed such an event as Snape, a good few inches taller than most people, scanned the tables for anything rare or illegal he may be able to add to his stores. Draco had a way of clearing a crowd easily (shoving people in the ribs,) and Ginny, ducking through several pairs of legs and under more than one dress. 

"Hermione! Oh my god, look at this! They're so cute! Oh! They'd go perfectly with your dress."

"Gin, I don't have one yet."

"Exactly!"

Hermione shook her head and looked at some elaborate bookmarks.

"'scuse me, I just-"

Draco quickly shut his mouth and pulled his hands back form the bookmarks when he realised it was her he was talking to. "I knew you had to be around _here_."

"Where's the walking fashion crisis?" Ginny asked coming up behind him, causing them to leap out of their skins. "What are you two all jittery about? It's not like you're doing anything you aren't meant to."

The pair glanced at each other.

"'Mione, there's a stall over there that has some beauty products over here…"

"Ah, yes, there you are dear, Moreen, ah, this is my _daughter_, _Hermione_…yes so as you can see…"

"Professor?" Hermione and Draco both noticed the beads of sweat on his forehead as he introduced Hermione as his _daughter_.

"Professor?" Moreen repeated curiously.

"ah, yes, professional term – student and yes, 'mione's a little embarrassed, you know…students reputation…" he said putting his arm over her shoulders in a supposed fatherly manner. All that did was make Draco and Ginny meander off to have a quiet fit of hysterical laughter.

"So, Hermione, I suppose you've heard all about me then?" she looked pointedly at her. Heard about her? When did she bare any relation to him?

"Ah, no…sorry, Pops a bit…tight lipped at times…" she replied wondering what she was doing.

"Severus! I can't believe you! Oh, he and I went to Hogwarts together, haha, oh, I was mad about him, nearly beat him to a pulp once for turning me down. Went off and married your mother…"

"Oh, they split up."

"Severus, you lying scum bug! You said-"

"We're in the middle of rebuilding that hiccup," he jumped in quickly. "_Isn't that right Hermione?_ (screw this one up and I'll fail you)" (_**A/N: **Legimency)_

"Oh, yeah, they started on that last year some time…"

"So, dress robe shopping? Where are you going to?"

"Her and Draco are representing the school at the Quidditch Awards."

"Wow! You got tickets to that? How?" there was just no stopping her. Hermione looked over to Draco. Time for a little revenge…

"Well, naturally Draco asked me."

Draco started to choke on his tongue mid laugh, pointing at himself and Hermione. Moreen miss interpreted it.

"Oh, you're going out, how sweet. How long?"

Ginny thumped Draco on the back. "Thanks Weasley, just knock my lungs into my brain," he growled. "Ah, since third year…"

"I slapped him."

"And it sort of bloomed into a love," he coughed, sounding much like 'hate' "relationship."

"Well see Severus, I was right. Brute force does match people together. It was for your own good that I beat you. So…as you aren't back with….what's her name…you technically wouldn't be cheating on her-"

"But-"

"Hows next Friday at eight?"

"I-"

"Excellent. I'll owl you. Nice to meet you Hermione, I hope we see more of each other in the future," she shook her hand so tightly she felt her bones scream.

"Pleasure," she replied weakly.

They watched her push her way through the crowds. "So, _dad_, who was she?"

"Scary, still is."

"She _likes_ you," Ginny sing-songed. "You devilishly handsome little potion-"

"Finish that sentence and you won't see Hogwarts again." Ginny pouted. "Miss Weasley, you, escort Granger to…what ever it is you came with so insistently to do…"

* * *

Two hours later, Ginny and an exhausted Hermione entered the first of the fashion stores. All they'd managed to accomplish in those two hours was make up and perfume. 

"Hey, this is cute," Ginny held up a bikini.

"Gin, it's not the beach I'm going to, and it'll be the middle of winter." Hermione scoffed.

"So you're looking at leather mini skirts?"

Hermione looked down at the rack she was flicking through and realised what it was. "I'm asleep." She moaned in her defence. "Do we have to go through all of these?" she pleaded looking at the seeming miles of clothes stands.

"Well not everything."

"Can I help either of you young ladies?" a service assistant asked.

"Yes-"

"No, we, we're fine. Come on Ginny…"

"She's got tickets to the GQA, and needs a dress." Ginny blurted before Hermione could shut her up.

"We have just the thing!" he said excitedly, leading Ginny (dragging Hermione,) to the back of the store. "just in from Mulan…the fabric, isn't it just divine?"

"You aren't related to Gilderoy Lockhart?" Ginny blurted.

"No but he does come in; did, quite regularly."

"I see…oh! What about this!"

* * *

Snape and Malfoy entered a dress robe shop casually. "Mr. Malfoy, your order just arrived. Miss. Pruess over there will just hem it up for you. If you'd step this way," the man gestured. 

"So, have you come up with a plan yet?"

"I don't need to Professor, Dumbledore seems to be doing everything I needed to find excuses for."

"Don't depend on him to happen upon what you need." Snape warned as Eloise Pruess worked around Malfoy's ankles.

"All I need to do is cause a scene every so often and the punishment will be extended. Thanks to the Creevy brats, that's another load off my chest. I'm not stupid enough to just rush into this whole fiasco – could you let it down just a tiny bit?" he added to Eloise. "If Granger thinks she's too clever to fall into any trap, well, she's in for a slight shock."

"She's not the only one in shock after that bathroom incident," Snape scowled.

"Just throwing her, that's all. Really, she's not my type."

"Draco, a flea couldn't breath between the two of you. Type or not, get a grip on your hormones."

"I have a firm grip, my photo doesn't, and neither does hers."

"Your photo reflects deep and raw emotions."

Draco raised an eyebrow. "How deep are we talking? I think you'd hit mammoth bones before you quite get there." He adjusted his shoulders and Eloise smoothed the jacket down his front and shoulders, even though it didn't need doing. "A little lower," he suggested as she smoothed his back.

"That will be all," Snape interjected, ordering Draco back into his other robes and to search for the girls before the colour had fully risen to Eloise's cheeks. "Listen to me," Snape hissed leading him down the street. "if you ever want to sit beside the Dark Lord in all his glory, you'd best smarten your act up and grab those reigns before Hermione takes the lead, because you and I both know that she will if she suspects anything."

"One week and she'll jump when I bloody well tell her to." He replied, the slight taste of a threat in his voice. "Back off from my kill."

"Your father was just as foolish too. It's not wise to turn down my help."

"I don't _need _your help. If I choose to play some mind games with her, then I will play mind games with her. If I want your help, I will ask you for it."

"Very well, but the help may not be there then."

"I'll risk it."

* * *

"Ginny, there's no way I'm trying this on." Hermione said flatly, handing the dress back to Ginny. 

"Why not?" Ginny demanded, pushing it back to her.

"Because…look at it! The V goes to my belly button! The slit stops around my waist, and the back plunges like nobody's business. And it's Barbie pink!"

"and it's nice on the dummy."

"I am not a dummy! I am not a twenty year old whose only thinking of sex!"

"Okay, okay…you can try it in blue."

"Ginny, the colour isn't going to change the cut."

"I like it," Ginny argued. "It's nice."

"Well then you wear it." Hermione said flatly, crossing her arms. Draco tapped her shoulder and she threw the dress into the air in shock. "Jesus Christ!"

Draco picked up the dress and examined it. "It's pink."

"I know it's pink."

"Does it come in blue?"

"Draco, unless you are planning on wearing it, put it back on the rack."

"What?" he looked at her. "You aren't wearing this?"

"Lets explore that theory…NO. Draco, it's hideous."

"That's why I suggested blue."

Snape came up behind them. "You aren't seriously planning on wearing _that_? Miss Granger, I'm surprised at you. Even for one of your background-"

"Of course I'm not planning on wearing it! It's absolutely ghastly."

"Well then, return it."

"We haven't bought it." Ginny said, some what affronted.

"It has been an hour. What have you been buying?" he glanced to the bags on a chair.

"Make up and perfume." Ginny said casually, though with the slight hint of superiority. "We've only just started looking at dresses."

* * *

Snape looked over the dress racks. It would be a very long night. He pondered on his conversation with Draco earlier. Dumbledore was a fool if he couldn't see what was going on under his very nose, however, things had been going quite to Draco's favour, and he couldn't think of what to make of it. He wasn't the only 'spy', and he wondered if he already knew, making his own plans to counter the betrayal. The Dark lord had made it plan that his spies weren't to say anything to him, or the ministry, but what if one had? That would rat him out as a traitor for not having said anything of it. 

It was no secret that Hermione was one of Hogwarts prized students. His head pounded as he thought of what to do.

"Would you like a cup of tea or coffee sir?" the manager asked.

"No, I'm fine for now…"

He watched her bustle off to see to Hermione and Ginny as Draco took a seat next to him.

"Interesting, isn't it? Granger's almost terrified to pick something that shows more than an inch of skin where as Weasley tries to find something that covers less. Granger goes for beige, Weasley for anything loud."

"What are you getting at?"

"I remember the Yule ball."

"I know there's a point in there somewhere." Snape feigned. "If you are disillusioning yourself with the thought that she may be developing shy feelings for you, I would hate to inform you that she's more concerned about seeing Krum, and terrified that anything else will be taken as being directed at you when he finds out about this little affair. She's a smart girl, and planning for the worst."

* * *

**A/N:** Ssd - I hate this chapter. We've been working on it for a month and I bit as the computer crashed with the original. Sorry to anyone who is upset, and we _plan_ to make better time with the next update. Until then, you know the drill; review asking us to update. Thank you too… 

_Sllug92, Redlightspin, meghan, demon-slave92, sienna, AnastriannaRomanov, muniba, Reb._

Thank you very much everyone, and we've made it to the big 2-0!

SvP - we are quite pathetic… keep reviewing, we like being pathetic!


	6. Chapter 6

**Bad Eggs**

**_Draco's PoV…_**

Of all my nights in the Gryffindor dorms, this was the most sleep I've had in a bloody long time. No sound's of snoring, just the gentle rise and fall of…

Hermione?

_It_ was next to me, and I was hugging _it_. _It_ was smiling lost, in a dream. Okay, don't panic, she must be in _my _bed, meaning the other boys weren't to far away with wands more or less in arms reach. Best not to wake her, I carefully reached through the curtain to the side table.

All I could feel was books. _Books?_ I lifted my head a little and saw that no. I wasn't in my own bed. I was in Hermione's bed. I had invaded girl territory. That was a no-no in all houses, even in my own, but this was bad. Very bad. I am so dead bad! Already I could see the look on every gryffindor's face as they advanced on me!

What in Merlins name was I thinking? I don't even remember coming up here, I had dinner and went to bed –_ my_ bed. Which leaves me wondering _how_ I ended up here. I thought there was some sort of 'safety' thing for the girls, some stupid thing like a slide. They didn't have anything like that in the Slytherin dorms – I know from personal experience.

She wriggled closer – not good….no! nononono! I looked down. Oh this is definitely not good. Distraction…ah…_I feel alive…and the world is turning inside out, I'm floating a round in ecsta-_NO!…not going to help…I gotta get out of here – before anyone finds out…anything. Easy does it…shit. I'm stuck between Hermione and a wall. I'm desperate, and there is no other way out but to…shit. Only way out is on top – I mean over her. Uh-ho, mind you I'm just as dead if I hang around anymore. All I can do is move real slow so she doesn't wake up…

She rolled over and right in the last place I wanted her. It wasn't helping that she had one leg wrapped around me…all of me…and she was smiling, completely asleep. If it weren't for a hard on, I would be screaming. Yes! Me – screaming! Anyone else would be too!

If I roll over – wow…bad Draco! Bad, bad, bad…in my defence, they are kind of under my chin, and she…I think she's cold – it's not an invitation…._cooold_…the temptation just to…poke it…

No, if anyone comes in at this moment, I am soo screwed…I really wish – no! Granger! Nerd! Tits! Know-it-all! – in bed – Shit!

I am not attracted to her…though in this position, many would beg to differ. No. she is an assignment. Job…wrong word; so many images – NO! Dark Lord would kill me…if Potter and Weasley don't when they find out – if they found out – had anything happened – which nothing has! No. I can do this, all I have to do is to stop her straddling me, and get out of the bed, steal her wand, and jump out the window. Change that last thought, uh…hide in the toilet…all day…in the middle of the night, I come out of hiding-

"ARGH!"

"ARGH!" Merlin's shit.

"ARGH!" she was screaming, and not moving. Move!

"ARGH!"

"MALFOY!" Dead! Deadeadeadeadead. Dead.

"Arhm, hey, don't look at me like that! I'm more freaked out than you are!"

She looked down – no oh, don't do that, no- "Like hell you are!"

"You were grinding me!"

"You – I –this is my bed! Get out!"

"I can't!"

"That's your problem!" she dug her nails into my shoulder and kicked me out of the bed, literally. She snatched and night gown off a chair and shoved me out the door, in nothing but my boxers, all the while screaming at me.

That wasn't the worst shock. As soon as she slammed the door in my face, the ground gave way, and shit. There was nothing to hold on to, or slow down, speeding down…down – thump.

It wasn't as early in the morning as I would have liked it. But it can't get any worse. A blinding flash greeted me, and I wish it had been an exposed flash – not a camera flash, it seems now the only thing about to be exposed is me. _Now _it can't get any worse…until they publish it…everyone is staring at me – well, not me…but me. Some of the girls, well most of the older ones definitely didn't mind, with rather amused smiles of what one would be left to believe of 'approval'. The guys…argh…they're still recovering from the slide and. Yeah…

"You had to hop into Hermione's bed, didn't you?" Lavender asked with a sassy look – almost an invitation.

Obviously, they didn't know that I had been up there, and now they _wanted_ me in their beds…I wish she hadn't said that whilst her boyfriend was in the room.

"GET HIM!"

This is going to hurt.

**_Harry's PoV…_**

"Hey guys, you lot seen Malfoy around?"

"I heard him come up last night." Neville said shrugging a sweat shirt on.

Looking at Draco's things, he'd definitely come back last night, changed and gotten into bed. The only thing was he wasn't anywhere in the dorm, and there was no evidence he'd gotten dressed; suggesting he was running around the freezing cold castle in nothing but his boxers. Honestly, I don't think Draco has all that much to brag about, well, if it's anything like his shoe size. Subconsciously, I looked at my feet. Me – I have big feet. Back to the missing 'marvellous' Malfoy.

"Harry, why do you care?"

"Because he, Hermione and Ginny went missing yesterday."

"Well Ginny's down stairs, I spoke to her just now." Dean said, earning a glare from Ron. "They went shopping."

"_Shopping?_"

"With Snape."

"_What? Snape?_" the four of them stared at Dean.

"Well that explains the boxes and bags." Seamus said checking a receipt and looking in a box. "Who pays twenty galleons for a pair of jocks?"

"What are they? Made of gold?"

"No, they are um…" Seamus used his wand to lift them out of the box.

"How do you put those on?" Ron asked staring at them.

"_I _don't – Malfoy's stuff, not mine."

"They look like some sick sort of male G. That's just wrong."

"Thank-you Seamus, now I'm going to have an image of 'Gigolo' Malfoy wearing those things running around the common room whilst I'm eating breakfast." Ginny said coming up the stairs. She looked tired. "Speaking of which, you lot seen him?"

"Nope," all of us said still looking at the suspended thong.

"I'd love to see you in those Dean," That got all of our attention, and most unfortunately Ron's, who was now redder than the 'thing' we'd been looking at, staring murderously at Dean. "Thank you. Now, are you all _sure _you haven't seen him?"

"Ginny, please confirm that _that_ comment was a joke." I said, looking from Deans terrified expression to Ron's murderous one. All she did was bat an eyelid at me.

"Who left the meal out?"

"What meal?"

"The meal in the common room, when we got back?"

"None of us did – did you Neville?"

"Nope, I was asleep before you guys. Maybe it was one of the house elves?"

"No, I asked them. There was something that tasted slightly off about it, Draco looked shocking after – he went straight to bed." How…odd.

"Nah, he hasn't been in here all morning."

"Where did he sleep then?"

We all looked at each other.

"Maybe he got up before us?"

"Ron, I woke up at five. No one in their right mind would-"

"This _is_ Malfoy," Neville snorted, and I quite agree.

"-get up any earlier than that."

"You said he didn't feel too crash hot, he probably went to the hospital wing." I shrugged. Frankly, I was more worried about other things than Draco's midnight wanderings, for example getting the curse reversed so he could scry off.

"I tried there."

"Why are you so desperate to find him?" Ron Demanded. "And were you joking before?"

"He's a Slytherin in the Gryffindor house. Am I the only one who sees something scary about that prospect?"

There was something in her voice, or the way she averted her eyes that made me suspect that that wasn't quite the truth about why she wanted to find him. Her answer, however, satisfied Ron.

"Fair point," Dean agreed.

"I'll go check out the owlery."

"Ginny, you didn't answer my-" and she was gone. "She _was_ kidding, right?"

_**Innocent Bystander's PoV…**_

I haven't been here long, but all the same, I'm certain that all the events that have been going on in the past few weeks are not normal, even for this place. I mean, a convicted criminal teaching, a half giant breeding some weird arse creatures, and a centaur teaching fortune telling – this is all mad. Fun, but mad. All the same, the past few years here had in no way prepared me for what happened.

As a pure blood wizard myself, I had heard a lot about the Malfoy's infamous history, but sliding down from the girls dorm with a hard on wearing nothing but some silky Slytherin blazoned boxes wasn't quite anything I thought I would _ever _see. Actually, a Malfoy in Gryffindor tower wasn't anything to be imagined either but I guess weird shit does happen.

However, for Malfoy this year, it seems the shit being piled on to him is a whole lot of over protective males ready to destroy his manhood.

At this moment, I don't think anyone, even the Weasley's would be jealous of him in the slightest.

* * *

_**Authors PoV…**_

_**Well, not quite, just a note from us apologizing and offering a peace chapter for not updating sooner. We have, alas, been quite out of sorts in the way of inspiration and have been working (pathetically) on these three pages for the past month, though we hope you enjoy them all the same, and appreciate that we have NOT given up on this story, we're just…stuck. We know what we want to happen, just not the in-between bits, but don't worry, we'll have it all sorted before the next chapter is posted…whenever that is. Our bellies are sore, and our eyes are tired, so we shall leave it here and PLAN to update before the term starts again (ARA 2 weeks) **_

_**Night to you all, and please review – it was what reminded us we should probably update.**_

_**Xox**_

_**cazza & Fairy**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Unspeakable**

"You are so De-" Everyone's attention was drawn to…

'Oh god. It's Weasley. Oh god. He's holding…Oh GOD.' Draco couldn't believe that things had gotten worse.

"Yo, does anyone know how in gods name these are supposed to sit?" Ron asked the common room. Everyone starred followed by stunned silence, all wanting someone else to make the first move. Finally it happened. Lavender was the first to finally crack. She exploded into a fit of hysterics – almost in tears of laughter as she held her sides. Pavarti, laughing herself silly started ushering the first years, right through to fourth years out.

"Adults need to talk," she tried to say in between laughs which only made Lavender laugh harder, along with some of the other girls. Colin started jumping up in protest to his brother being sent out, which only aided in sending his camera flying across the room.

In the end, with the help of Dean and Seamus they finally get everyone out.

"Lavender would you SHUT UP!"

This did nothing to help, only spurring her on.

"Would someone shut her up?"

"Shut it Malfoy." The ordered the boy who had been ready to smash some bones.

"Malfoy? Ginny was looking for yo…ooo? Yeah, these are yours," He added quickly, flinging the underwear at him.

Lavender squealed in delight with laughter, collapsing into a chair as she 'tried' to control herself. Truth was however that now every other girl in the room was laughing or making some form of giggle.

"Oh Merlin… _SILENCIO_!"

This however, did not have the desired effect, the fact they could all see each other laughing soundlessly now laughing louder at the fact there was no sound despite how hard they were laughing.

"Girls, LEAVE!" Neville demanded sending all of them it to shock. This, however, did not last long as they burst into laughter, falling and supporting each other as they laughed out of the common room.

"Okay, what are we going to do with ferret boy?"

"Hey, it's not like it's the first time! I think we explained that over dinner… that didn't come out right… and don't you lot pretend you've never wanted to go up there." Draco huffed trying to work out what to do with the scandalous pair of undies that would less than help his case.

"So Mr. Malfoy, how are you feeling at this moment? Pride? Humilation?" Colin asked note pad in hand.

"I thought you told the girls to leave?" Draco replied bitterly to Neville.

At the same time in another part of the castle…

Sirius drank his coffee whilst making his way up to the Gryffindor Common Room to find out just how hideous a dress Hermione was forced to purchase by Snape. Whilst Snape snapped that he had no say, thank Merlin it wasn't one Ginny chose, the rest was all but known.

"Professor Black?" a tentative first year approached, though still cautious in case he turned into a werewolf as a third year had warned him about.

"Yes Mr. Hamilton? Is there a problem?"

"Is there a problem?" repeated a fourth year girl. "Depends if you call the French Revolution a mild inconvenience. If so, then yes, we do have a problem. We've just been kicked out of our Common Room."

"And that's to be compared to a riot because…?"

"There will be one if you don't get up there ten minutes ago."

"Miss. Martin, what is going on up there?"

"A mild inconvenience." She replied heading to the great hall.

Sirius glanced at the group of students, distinctly hearing "Did you see that? Man I hope that makes the chronicle – I'd frame _that_ picture," and "I don't get it! How in the name of Magic did he get up there!?" and a group of older students, also oddly enough were also from Gryffindor, "Thank god I'm female,"

Sirius quickened the pace. When he arrived outside the Gryffindor portrait, all the older girls appeared to be crying hysterically, though none more so than Lavender. "What in Hades is going on?"

They all stopped and looked up at him, before bursting back into silent hysteria.

"(A/N: in dedication to WINX – in other words we felt lazy) _Voicous Returnus_!"

They weren't crying! Well, they were crying just not in sadness. Sirius starred. This could not be good.

"Th-ha-ank-you, P-pr-"

Sirius opened the portrait. The scene which greeted him was far worse than he had in mind.

"Maybe we should wax him? That should rip them off."

"I can tell you there is nothing to wax." Snarled Malfoy floating upsidedown, front of his boxers strained, arms folded, in some sort of bubble prison.

"In case you haven't realised it's not hair we're talking about." Ron growled.

Malfoy's eyes widened when he saw the teacher standing in the door way.

"What? You thought that talk of burning oil was just to," Ron saw Sirius and dropped his wand. "Naahha," was something how the mumble/gasp/busted/bleating sounded as he shuddered.

"Before I register what it is I'm looking at, I warn you all that this was not explained in the teachers manual." He said almost hypnotically unable to believe what he was looking at. No one dared to move, least he snap out of whatever trance he was in and expelled them all. Sirius rubbed his brow trying to think and look at the situation as a teacher rather than an adult who had the right to yell, scream, jinx the living daylights out of the lot of them, or even just collapse in insane laughter whilst being wheeled to the nut house. He opened his mouth several times meaning to say something, though every time, words failed him.

"Where is Harry?" he finally settled on. He was after all, Harry's guardian, and the question related 'insignificantly' to the 'mild inconvenience' faced before him. In truth he would have taken on starving French rioters any day compared to this. On Miss. Martin's 'scale' this was a disaster.

"Right here, hey… what went on here?"

"I was hopping you would tell me that, Harry…"

"No idea, I've just been talking to Hermione in the Hospital wing. She didn't feel so good last night so she spent the night in the… is that a g-string?" Harry asked giving Ron and Malfoy a glance which said quite plainly, 'say anything other than the answer to the question and I will skin you alive.'.

"Yeah…" Sirius replied absently.

"_What in the name of Merlin – oh Holy Hera_!" McGonnagual clutched her chest staring. Draco quickly moving his hands and all boys hiding their wands behind their backs. Neville fainted.

"Minerva, I think you should handle this one…" Sirius started turning to leave.

"_Take one more step Black and you'll be hexed to oblivion._" She threatened wand out at him. "I believe you were once in a similar situation and I believe you are possibly the best to handle this so I'll leave this in your hands whilst I go back to my office and have a drink…" she looked around the room. "A bottle or two… I'm sure Sybble has something…" she muttered walking off very quickly. Harry resisted the laughs that were dying to issue forth – she'd probably kill him; boy who lived or no.

"Yeah… I think I'd better check up on Hermione again…" Harry made to leave but Sirius had his collar.

"Hold me…" he pleaded faintly.

* * *

Okay, we promised more, so you have the right to kill us. reveiw, we like.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hazardous Perceptions**

The Gryffindor seniors' punishment was determined. The boys would have to remove the collapsed rocks from the Chamber of Secrets whilst the girls were to sweep up the centuries of bones of small critters that had found themselves at the mercy of the Basilisk. Teachers came to the conclusion to draw straws to who would monitor the senior students' detention as few could look at them without bursting into laughter or could control their facial expression. Therefore, all senior classes had been suspended whilst a full investigation as to the mystery of how Draco got up the stairs was carried out. In the mean time…

"How do you lot know that that snake isn't still down there?"

"Cause Harry killed it."

"Are you going to try and tell us that something that has been living down there for over a thousand years was killed just like that? And you want us to remove the only thing potentially keeping it from us?" Complaints erupted faster than Pompeii when Sirius announced the senior's detention.

The girls… "Hey, we didn't do anything! We were also kicked out! We didn't tell the boys to go all testosterone on us!"

"Girls, you are witches, I'm sure you could have done something to restrain them."

"Other than castrating them?" Ginny snorted.

"Hey – did you fail hear that that horny little slime ball came sliding down from the _Girls_ dorm!?" a seventh year retorted. "There is a reason that that slide is there Professor Black, and though it may not be there where _he_ came from, it is the exact reason it is there in our house." She huffed glaring at the broom she was being offered.

"Yeah, you think we want to encourage the idea of guys finding a way into our dorms? Draco and Hermione can do what so ever they please, just not in our dorms, and he can refrain from showing all of us what we're missing out on." Sassed another seventh year girl. "Lucky bitch." Sirius and McGonagall quickly intervened again before another brawl broke out between the girls and guys.

"Miss Armerdale that will do. Girls, all of you grab a broom and some gloves and head to the entrance. Boys, follow Professor Black to the cave in. He will run you through safety procedures when you arrive."

Harry and the others who were confirmed to not be present of the senior years attack on Malfoy were permitted magic and were in charge of making sure the supports were secure to prevent another cave in or taking bottles of water to keep everyone relatively refreshed.

"Wish Harry never found this bloody chamber…" Dean muttered pulling his work gloves on and following the rest of the boys.

* * *

"How many times do I have to tell you, I don't know how I got up there – All I remember is going to sleep in _my own bed_ after hanging my dress robes up." Draco repeated frustrated. 

"The only way you could have gotten up there is to have flown."

"How could I? My broom is in the broom shed and further more _WHY_ would I want to be in there in the first place? I hate Granger – Granger hates me – we have a very healthy hating relationship. It was your spell, you're the genius, you tell me." Draco folded his arms glaring at the headmaster.

"Draco, I don't know that you realise how serious this is, for the record, you could be expelled if Miss. Granger lodges an official complaint." Snape warned.

"If _she_ lodges a complaint? She probably set up the whole thing! She probably figured that if something like this happened then you'd take this stupid spell off us, and just drop this whole 'peace' idea you have formed in that twisted old head of yours."

"And the Prefects bathroom incident?"

"Okay, that I only did just to mess with her head and thought I'd bait Pansy whilst I was at it." He admitted. "I was pissed off."

"And the room of requirement?"

"We were messing around! Have you ever been into a Muggle room? There was some weird shit in there!"

Dumbledore sat in thought for a moment with a concerned look on his face. "Mr. Malfoy, please wait outside."

Draco had no objections to this.

"Reckon he's telling the truth?" Professor Flitwick asked.

Dumbledore nodded.

"And so is Hermione?" asked Professor Snape.

He nodded again.

"Okay… so would you mind telling us all what happened? I know strange stuff happens at this school but I don't think it has ever come to life and played match maker." Madame Hooch asked.

"The most likely explanation is a third party." He glanced at Sirius. "How was it you and James got up there the first time?"

"Professor, we had not only inside help from some honorary Gryffs but the entire male division backing us – we spent weeks planning that, with countless trials. It is possible that someone drugged him and flew him in – that's the only fail safe plan I can think of, but as you know, they would have needed to have someone on the inside working for them. Only girls can open those windows, it was a cold night – and none of the girls seemed terribly impressed that he was up there during the interviews – and I don't think I need to mention the reaction the boys had."

"Nothing is ever done without benefit." Albus mused. "Or without necessity."

"Headmaster, that's not always the case. Look at Potters gang."

"They did benefit – by bullying yourself and other Slytherins they gained a standing in their house. Even by parading in women's underwear at the end of the year –"

"That was fun." Sirius remembered. "Best way to get a girls contact details and start a conversation…"

"Who in the school stands to gain something by doing this…?" the teachers browsed through the school portraits.

"Creevy." They all said unanimously.

* * *

"You know," Ron heaved at a stone glaring at the others. "I was the one who moved most of this rubbish in second year." 

"So?" Glared Dean.

"So…argh… So I shouldn't have to do anything." He replied wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Uhuh? Would you like to work through your break?" asked the supervising professor.

"I'm just saying," he reasoned, "that I've done more than my share."

"Ron, leave it alone," Harry said handing him a bottle of water. "Colin?"

"Yeah?" he replied moving a sack of smaller rocks.

"Professors want you upstairs."

He looked confused, but was happy to escape hauling loads of rocks all the same. Everyone groaned in envy as he made his way up the ladder to fresh air.

"Why are we doing this anyway?" Lavender asked. "There is absolutely no use for this area – Harry's the only one who can open the actual door, so what's the point? You-Know-Who knows about it so it's not like we can all hide down here…who'd want to anyway?" she hissed kicking a rat off her shoe. "Eww."

"Well the place does have some sort of creepy Slytherin evil charm to it," mused Ginny. "So is that to say that I can leave due to mental trauma? I nearly had the life sucked out of me, and I don't really like being reminded of that." She leaned on her broom accepting the water bottle. "And it's not really responsible to have me down here – as I recall I was being possessed and all that… lingering magic might do nasty things…"

"Would you all just drop it and get this done with?" Neville asked exasperated.

"Hey, if I can get out of this I'm pulling out every trick in the Weasley book." She paused in thought. "Except the fireworks… that could get messy… cave in and all that… and the swamps… they aren't good either…"

* * *

"There is no way in Heaven that I would ever have thought of something as fantastic as that – the simplicity! The effectiveness! The reaction! The humiliation! Only a true genius could have thought of something as great as that! Not even the Weasley twins could have done it and they're immortalised legends!" 

The teachers all glanced at each other side ways at his enthusiasm and passion.

"Innocent?"

"Yeah," they all said with out a second thought.

"Mr. Creevy, you may go." Dumbledore signalled.

"Umm, Headmaster, there's something I'd like to ask you? Could I take public credit for this? It would really help –"

"OUT!" McGonagall ordered. "And _no_ you can't get your camera back, not until we have come to the bottom of this."

"So that's a maybe for the credit?" he asked hopefully.

"_NO!_"

* * *

Hermione sat in the hospital wing bed rereading the same line of her potions revision for the twentieth time in as many minutes. Her toes kept fidgeting with the blanket, and she kept glancing nervously around the room. Every time the door creaked her eyes were on it, waiting anxiously to see who it was. She'd surrendered to insomnia, and was close to eating coffee straight from the jar rather than as a drink. All the signs of a nervous break down on the way. Harry looked at her nervously. 

"Hermione… are you sure you're okay…?"

"What gave you the idea that I –" the door now had her full attention. "Oh," she sounded disappointed as Ron came in. "It's you."

"Of course it's bloody me, look at this!" He held his hand up. "Your fucking boyfriend did this!" It was red as his hair with frightening blisters.

"Actually, you did that from trying to do things to her fucking boyfriend." Harry said casually.

"The guy was kind of in our faces! Like really in our faces,"

"Okay, I'll just lie here with terrifying images – may I remind you all he was _in my bed!_" She took a drink. "You didn't all hurt him too bad did you?"

Ron stared in shock at her concern.

"Don't worry, it'll pass soon. She's been like this for the past hour."

"I just miss him so – argh! Please tell me you beat the living shits out of the fucking dick wank!" she said slamming her head repeatedly against the wall, Harry casually moving her pillow up so she didn't succeed in giving herself concussion.

"Mood swings?" Ron asked slightly wide-eyed.

"Man, if she's anything like Mum when she was preggies with you then we're leaving." Fred said as he and George came through.

"Get lost." She grunted irritably.

"Good to see she's back to normal. Seriously Mione, going out with Malfoy?" George asked shaking his head. "That is nuts – even for you. I mean… yeah, it could be worse… the moss boulders but couldn't you have cracked and gone out with the Giant squid? Then we know that you've finally cracked – but _Malfoy?_"

"Are you finished dissing my boyfriend?" she demanded.

"We haven't even started. May I in turn remind you that his father tried to kill you and Harry last year?"

"He also tried to kill me!" Ron said angrily

"Yeah, but you aren't dating him nor are you the one hope to save the world." Fred agreed.

"Look, he's not as bad as that."

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione. He is completely and utterly against S.P.E.W. It'll never work."

"That doesn't matter." All jaws dropped faster than a six-ton weight. "I love him."

George was completely lost for words.

"She's not kidding is she?" Fred asked seriously.

The three of them shook their heads. George fainted.

"Hermione, what the hell are you thinking? It's the _Malfoy's_ for crying out loud – you know what they're like!" Fred exploded.

"Hey I don't have to do anything you say okay, you're not my parents!"

"Thank Merlin for that! I'd kill myself! Hermione, you're like a sister to us – we can't let you do this!"

"Oh, so it's okay that Ginny's already dated half the school?"

"Hermione," Harry tried. This was going to end in disaster with some irreparable damage.

"Hey, we're a big family and we all have minor issues. Look at Percy! If Ginny wants to sleep with half the school that's her deal, but you!"

"So it's okay if Ginny becomes a hooker but not if I go out with a Malfoy?"

"Ginny is mums issue, you are the whole family's issue!"

"Well here's a news flash! I'm not a Weasley! I'm not your sister! And I can do what ever the fuck I want!"

"More like who ever."

Hermione grabbed the cup off the bedside table and hurled it at Fred. He ducked it and yanked George off the ground.

"I don't know what the hell has been going on since we left but this is beyond anything we ever would have expected." The pair of them left leaving Hermione stunned and Ron very quiet.

"Shit."

"Yeah." Harry agreed. "I'll go talk to them. Ah… maybe you should go back to the dorms Ron… I'll meet you up there…" Harry suggested nervously.

"Yeah," he looked daggers at Hermione. "Good idea."

"Ron, I, you know me better,"

"I thought I did." He stormed out.

"Just give him some time," Harry said looking at Hermione. "He just…"

"I know he likes me. Hell, it's obvious."

"I was going to say worried that it might not all be the curse with you and Draco." Hermione looked at him as though he was mad. "I know that it isn't, but it doesn't change the fact that like just now – it was bloody convincing. And really comes down to are you sure that you can stop yourself believing what you say?"

"I woke up with him in my bed – and every guy in the school assumes I _wanted_ him there!? Typical bloody males – I mean, Ron I understand but you!?"

"I didn't say anything of the sort. But right now, you are making everyone out to be the enemy. So tell me, right now: who are your friends?"

Hermione opened her mouth to snap some reply when the words sank in.

"I'm going to talk to Fred and George – see if I can smooth things over a bit and then try and sort things out with Ron. Just think a bit before flicking on the bitch switch."

* * *

Draco rinsed his face off looking in the bathroom mirror. Dumbledore was right – he was in more danger with the Gryffindor's than he was endangering Hermione. However, whoever it was who'd some how gotten him up in her dorm was so going to pay. Everything was actually starting to work to plan, but no. That one… dodgy situation had brought him back to the start. What was worse was the best thing at the moment was just to leave her alone but he was almost desperate to see her – and it had only been two days. It was worse than he could have predicted, and had he not over heard the teachers discussing the situation he might have been tempted to suspect this was yet another one of Dumbledore's sick ideas for house unity or to keep Draco in prolonged suffering. No. He had to raise above all that. There were no other options – if he failed at this simple…simple mission, he was as good as dead. How hard could I possibly be to deliver one girl to his master? Apparently very, but that wouldn't be acceptable in any shape or form. 

He glared at the mirror. "Hey boss, you know, it's been great, but you might as well kill me cause I'm dead any way – rather you kill me than the slow painful ways I've been getting described from the Gryffindor's." he mocked. His father would never have failed so appallingly and with the ever-nearing deadline approaching it was becoming more literal in its meaning.

He sighed and pressed his forehead against the mirror, as though it would somehow make all his problems go away. He wasn't surprised even if a little disappointed when they didn't.

Finally, he gave in and let out a small sob. It wasn't fair – how was he supposed to do everything that was being ordered or risk loosing his mother as well? There was only so much that he could do, and yet that wasn't enough.

He washed his face again to remove some of the puffiness and headed for the door. As he reached for the handle someone beat him too it as the door opened. Needless to say, he was more than a little surprised when he saw Pansy on the other side.

"Hello Draco." she said casually stepping into the boys bathroom. It was one of those times he wondered if there was something the golden trio knew about her which he didn't.

"What –"

"I know that I was a bitch to you and everything. I'm sorry – it was stupid to think that you would choose Granger over me – I mean, this is all some sort of test right? To see how loyal I am to you and I completely screw up at the first challenge."

Draco was still somewhat in shock to answer. It wasn't normal in the slightest.

Her hands moved to her blouse, "Can you forgive me?"

"What are you doing in here?" he finally managed to get out.

"Apologising…" Two buttons down.

"This is the guys' bathroom…"

"Well, you have been a naughty boy yourself haven't you? Sneaking up into girls dorms… if you missed me you really just should have come and said something."

Draco's mind was reeling. "How did you know about that?"

"What do you mean? The whole school's talking about it."

"No, they aren't. The school doesn't know anything about – the house has been separated from the rest of the school."

"When has that ever stopped a rumour?"

"You had something to do with it!"

"Oh, really!" She was standing there in her bra and absolutely furious. "Yes, I did – only to get you back where you belong!"

"You nearly got me killed! They have a fucking photo!" Draco raged.

"Never thought they were into porn…" she mused curiously.

"Come on," He grabbed her wrist furious, dragging her easily out of the bathroom and in the direction of Dumbledore's office. "I hope you get expelled for this!"

"I don't have a top on!"

"I had to look at bloody McGonagall hanging upside down with a hard on; you can bloody well talk to Dumbledore in your bra!" Unfortunately for Draco, she had other ideas and started struggling. She nearly got ten steps away when he caught her by the arm and threw her over his shoulder, holding her ankles so she wouldn't kick him in the head. That didn't stop her from trying to give him a wedgy, and rip his spine out of his back. Unfortunately for her, she failed and was thrown on to the ground before the teachers who simply looked stunned.

"I'm not even going to bother… Sybill, I need another drink…" McGonagall said faintly leaving the office without further ado, Professor Trelawney in tow.

"Mr. Malfoy, you seem to have upset Professor McGonagall's delicate internal balance. I don't think I've ever seen her so close to Professor Trelawney's personal spirit stash, and I don't mean her psychic spirit." Dumbledore informed casually. "What am I looking at other than Miss. Parkinson in a bra – most un-gentlemanly. You should at least offer her a coat."

"Right now I don't really believe in chivalry." He nudged her with his foot. "Go on, Parkinson, tell them what you told me."

"I don't know what you're talking about." She growled back.

"She drugged my food and is the reason I ended up in the girls' dorm!"

All the teachers looked at Parkinson, who looked more like some sacrificial offering. "Is this true?"

"Of course it is! I said it!" Draco cut in impatiently.

"Yes, and I wouldn't have had to if you weren't violating student rights! You should have just expelled Granger and gotten this whole fiasco over with, but _nooo_, you know best, don't you, you old fart!"

"Thank you Mr. Malfoy, we'll take it from here," suggested Sirius.

"BLOOD TRAITORS!" Pansy screeched.

"Oh do put a sock in it, Parkinson." Sirius snorted.

"Sirius,"

"Sorry Albus…"

* * *

YAY! FINALLY! I know, incredibly slack - i've had this typed up for about... 3 months at the VERY least... and i only got around to getting Sarah to read it... a month ago...

Reveiws did keep me writing... there are multiple chapters waiting so, reviews will help - thank you to everyone who did.

xoxcazza

xoxsarah


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